Tears began to fall down my face, my strong facade collapsing to the reassuring lyrics of the song.
You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail.
Your grace abounds in the deepest waters,
Your sovereign hand will be my guide.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
I finally surrendered to the mix of emotions I’ve been wrestling, and felt the warm embrace of the Spirit. In these last few weeks, I have been overcome with feelings of fear. Fear of change. Fear of something so good ending so soon. Fear of friendships fading. Fear of cracking under the pressure of it all. Beginning my last semester is surreal; while I am overjoyed with thoughts about the Race, I am also sad about this chapter of my life coming to a close. I almost feel as if I am in limbo, hoping that if I stand on the sidelines, I can put my life on pause, and stop this moment in time. And yet, I don’t want to waste a minute of this beautiful season. I don’t want to disengage in hopes of numbing this sadness. What I really want is to embrace this last semester. I want to embrace all of the simple things I know I will miss come May like nights watching Parenthood snuggled on a friend’s couch, peaceful runs along the Trinity, the endearing faces of my students, and mornings of coffee and encouragement. Rather than wallow in the fear of change, I want to live in thanksgiving, because, just as the lyrics assure, Your sovereign hand will be my guide. One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, writes about change, and so eloquently puts it this way:
“If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter.” —Bittersweet
I want to face this season with faith in God’s plan. I want to face this season with the knowledge that no matter how the waves roll in, the undercurrent, God’s presence and faithfulness, will always remain. And so while this season may be marked with moments of great fear of the changes to come, it will also be marked by the eternal joy the Lord provides, and that is something to rejoice in. And so, in this season I will trust in the changes that will come because I know God is sovereign through it all. So, that’s how I hope to face this season, with thankfulness for God’s goodness and reassurance that He is always by my side.
