Sometimes the things that scare us most, lead us to real growth. At least that tends to be the case for me. This month has been one of great personal growth, and it began with vulnerability, something I’ve tried to elude so much of my life, yet on a deep level, truly crave. For so many years, I’ve lived in a fear that if people really knew me, they would leave. Fear of rejection controlled me. And while I’ve experienced so much freedom from those lies, vulnerability still scares me. But this month has been one lesson in vulnerability and the power it has to change a discouraged, insecure, and fearful heart to one where peace, security, and joy reign.
While last month was filled with some moments of true goodness, it was also a month of deep insecurity for me. Comparison issued in so many feelings of unworthiness. And no matter which way I looked at it, I didn’t measure up. And I sat in that comparison all month. I believed those lies, and lost sight of the truth. And what I realized was that I’ve been believing those lies for so long. Lies of not being enough. I let those lies become my reality, and I operated out of the belief that those insecurities were my identity. And so while the innermost parts of me were crumbling, on the outside, I pretended to live a different reality. I so desperately looked to things of this world to give me the sense of security I was searching for. Performance became my life song. I tried to prove my worth through what I could do. Although my heart was overrun with insecurity, I tried to overcompensate with performance and achievement to silence the cries of my heart. Deep down, the insecurities rose out of the reality that I didn’t trust that the person the Lord made me to be was enough. And so, I lived clinging to different identities I thought would make me worthy, when really, they only enslaved me. This realization came in waves; it came through conversations with a dear friend, through reading Prodigal God, and for once, acknowledging the depths of my heart and allowing the Lord to speak truth into that dark place.
Christianity is the story of rebirth; the story of redemption and restoration. Thankfully, that is my story as well. Although my soul was wasting away, Christ brings new life. And what I’ve been learning this month is only life giving. For the first time, I am learning to believe that the Lord made me exactly the way he wanted. He equipped me with everything I need to fulfill my purpose on this Earth. And if He didn’t give me a specific quality or trait, it simply means I don’t need it to fulfill His plans for me. And so this month, I’m learning to trust in His truth and promises. I’m learning to believe what He says about me in Psalm 139.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”
And with all that I am, I cling to Psalm 16:6.
“The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”
Because that is the truth; we do have a most beautiful inheritance.
