I can’t believe it’s almost the end of month seven. The time is flying, yet some days drag on like they will never end. Africa has had so many wonderful memories. But there have been some unpleasant experiences and interactions as well.
I recently watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower with Jen and Meagan. I had never seen this movie or read the book and I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked it and it stuck with me. There is a quote from the movie that my squad mate Austin had said to me back in February that I had forgotten until we watched the movie.
“You accept the love you think you deserve.”
What love do I think I deserve? I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately. And I’ve been thinking about what love is and what love isn’t. I’ve settled for a lot less love than I deserve in my life. I accepted things as, “well that’s just as good as it gets” or “I shouldn’t expect more.” Even from God. I don’t expect big things from him always. I expect his love to be small. I don’t think I can be good enough for it. The truth is on my own I don’t deserve it. But with what Jesus did, he makes me deserve that love because I am his. Yet I don’t accept it because I don’t think I deserve it.
For a long time I thought love was getting noticed. I thought I would enjoy getting attention. But here in Africa I’ve been cat-called, whistled at, grabbed, asked to marry, and talked to like a piece of meat just because I’m white. It is not as fun to be noticed as I once thought. It is demeaning, exhausting, and I am looking forward to blending in again once we get to Europe. But in spite of that, I’ve learned a lot about what God’s love looks like here as well.
I have so many sweet faces of children in my heart that I will never forget. I have felt swelling love inside me, and I know that it is not something I am capable of myself. It’s the Holy Spirit showing me a glimpse of the affection that the father has for us.
I was sitting holding a little boy at Kids’ Club the first Friday we were here. He had ran into the room, and the floors are super slippery. Poor dear, he fell and busted his lip really bad. Bleeding and crying, I carried him out and cleaned up his lip. Then he sat beside me as he slowly stopped crying. He eventually climbed up into my lap and promptly fell fast asleep. Sta, the wife of Thami, the couple that runs kids’ club, was watching her daughter who was playing outside. She came up and smiled and said, “That is one of the best ministries ever – wrapped up and surrounded by the love of Jesus.” I smiled and enjoyed the cuddles from the little boy, whose name I will never know, and God spoke to me.
“Don’t you know this is how I hold you. You are safe and loved and free to rest in my arms. I am not upset when you mess up. Just like this little boy fell and hurt himself, when you mess up and life hurts or disappoints, I am overcome with compassion and scoop you up and hurt with you. I wipe your wounds clean and hold you. I am never angry with you. I only have endless love for you.”
Wow. I was blown away. I hadn’t heard from the Lord in a while, and so this was a great thing to hear. I still have a ways to go, and I will spend my whole life continuing to learn how high and deep and wide and long the love of Christ is, but I’m getting further up and further in. And even though I don’t deserve His love, being loved by him makes me know that I deserve to be loved like a princess, a daughter of the king, and to never settle for less.
