Can I be honest? I’m scared. Of leaving my family for a year. Of leaving all the comfort. Of not sleeping in my own bed for a whole year. Of being vulnerable and having to ask for help. Of having people see the real me — all of me — thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears, tics, annoyances, sins, etc. Of the unknown future. Of messing up big time. Of getting sick
But I’m also scared of what I’ll miss if I stay. To miss living a life fulfilled and abundant. To miss being known and loved for who I really am by my peers. To miss the adventures that will never happen again in this life. To miss the opportunity to share the Good News with the people who may never hear about Jesus if I don’t go. To miss holding the tiny hands and feet that have no one to hold them, no one to tell them they are loved. To miss this chance to grow into the woman I want to become. To miss growing with my team and learning that vulnerability in a safe place is a huge blessing. To miss GOD IN THE WORLD – the people, the scenery, the animals, my heart.
Obviously I realize fear is not of God, but these are some of the “war within myself” thoughts. And I’m not having these thoughts all the time. It usually happens late at night when I’m laying in bed before I go to sleep that I start to do the deep thinking about life. I’m going to be honest, I’ve been horrible about spending time with Jesus since I came back from camp. It actually hasn’t been a very consistent practice in my life since 2013. And unfortunately when I’m not consistent, I tend to mentally beat myself up. That has been something that I’ve been struggling with ever since I came back from training camp. Listening to those lies again about the me I perceive myself to be — not the me that really is. It’s like Romans 7, where Paul is talking about doing what he doesn’t want to do and not doing what he does want to do. Paul was a pretty wise fellow. This war between the flesh and the spirit is not something to take lightly but oh how I do. I hope one thing I learn next year is to never underestimate the reality of the spiritual realm and how it affects the physical one. And saying that in writing terrifies me because I know it means I’m going to be in some uncomfortable situations to learn that. But maybe comfort is somewhere I don’t want to be anymore. You stay the same when you are comfortable.
It’s like wearing sweatpants. I could lounge around all day in sweat pants. They don’t motivate me to be up and active. But if I’m wearing slightly tight jeans and maybe they are a little uncomfortable, I’m going to keep moving around because its in the discomfort that I choose not to stay the place. (yes I really did just make that analogy.)
I had all these fabulous plans laid out from when I got accepted to the race in March to have complete by now. If I had written it all out in a fabulous checklist (which I totally recommend using to-do lists, they make me happy), I would only have about 10 out of 100 things crossed off probably. And going back to the fear I have been feeling, one of them is that I am not going to be prepared to leave in January because I’ve forgotten stuff. Maybe not stuff for the race but for personal things I wanted to accomplish. But yet again I’m learning that God doesn’t always tell me the plan or even want me to have a plan. Because even if I have it all scheduled out, things don’t always go to plan, well my plan. His plans always prevail. Even when I have time to plan and make all these great goals (and complete them) I haven’t accomplished most of them. But God is still working on me showing me its not about my plans. It’s about HIS.
So here’s to next year being a year of bravery and boldness, not fear. A year of following the Spirit’s leading and not my best laid plans. Of learning to go with the flow with my team. Being more laid back. Enjoying life instead of marking things off my check list. Before I know it I’m going to be here sitting on the couch at my house again in disbelief that it’s been a year since I wrote this and I will have gone around the world. I’ll let you know then if I’m still afraid of anything. 🙂
