Monday was my 25th birthday. It was a wonderful day filled with love and friendship and celebration. I got to spend the day with some people I love most dearly. One of our squad leaders, Katie, is here. She is such a wise woman of God. Anyway, we had a one on one on Sunday and talked about where I am currently and just realized that God keeps peeling back layers and he is definitely dealing with my insecurity but part of that is also learning to release control. I am have been a control freak in the past. Part of that is from growing up moving around and so the illusion of control made me feel secure. Ha! Jesus is slowly working with me on this. I am not in control of anything except myself, my reactions, and keeping my eyes fixed on Him.
One of the ways my control freakness has manifested itself is in conflict. I do not like conflict. To me, it has always been a scary, people-end-up-mad-at-you, holding grudges, shouting, leaving, and slamming doors kind of ordeal. So in conflict, I try to manage everyone and help establish harmony again. Return to homeostasis if you will. But I am learning that it is not my place to be the “fixer” in situations. That I have to step aside so that Jesus can come in and work in a situation. I have to give up the control of keeping my environment in harmony. I have to give up control and trust my team to work through things because we love each other. I have to give up control when someone is having a bad day and not try to make it better but instead point him or her to Jesus. I have to not micromanage things because I am more dependent on a schedule than I am on God and the man he has chosen to be the team leader.
I am currently reading “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore and one of the things she talks about is that “Women who struggle with insecurity are particularly taken with two divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience.” Oh how I so relate to this! She continues saying “An insecure person’s greatest need for control is directed toward those who have the potential to threaten her security or strengthen it.” Woah! Talk about some truth I needed to hear. She says, “If you are like me, that’s [the spots you feel threatened or strengthened] often also where you most often volunteer to fill in for God.” I have for far too long tried to be God. I have tried to control and working on people to make everything work the way I want it. People who are insecure, myself included, want to feel powerful and in control. They also want to know everything about everyone so they can again feel in control of a situation. If you know everything someone is thinking, then you can be more secure (false, by the way). “If we are trying to play God, we need an ample dose of omniscience to fire up our omnipotent.” Our desire to know all God knows stems from the Garden of Eden, when Eve wanted to know what God knew. We often bite off more information than we can chew and we are the only one who suffers from it.
This book along with the work of the Holy Spirit is revolutionizing my life, from the inside out. I feel different on the inside. I’ve caught myself applying the knowledge I’ve learned like nothing I ever have before in my 25 years. I assess situations when I start to feel that old insecurity creep back up, asking myself why I feel jealous or threatened and then go and address the source with my Heavenly Father. I have had moments where I’ve said to myself, “ You do not need to know that. It is not your business and you are not God. You do not need to be all knowing about everything everyone on your team does or talks about. You will be in no more control if you know then you are now.” It’s not always easy and I still have moments where I want to find my worth in people and the security they appear to offer me. Or where I try to take control because I am afraid or feel my security is threatened. But Jesus is giving me grace. And I love it.
So here’s to year 25 being one that I live not in my own sense of control but in His control instead. I am reading Romans, and today in Romans 8:6, I read this verse, “So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.” I’m praying to live a life where I have no control because I have given it all to him. I pray that I live a life controlled by the Spirit of God within me instead of the sinful woman. I pray that I take back my strength and dignity that are my God-given rights as his child, and that I can rest in the security of being called His.
