I’m not sure why it hurt so much, but it did.
I’ve really felt called to visit the hospitals while we were here.
About three weeks ago, I really started to push that I go.
So, two weeks ago, on a Thursday, I went by myself.
I thought I was prepared.
I thought I’d be in with the worst case AIDS patients and instead, I was in the children’s ward.
I’m not even sure how to describe it.
It looked like the worst run women’s and children’s shelter in the
US.
There were some bright colors, but most of the paint was falling off the walls. You could see from the front of the room to the back, but different areas had little partitions with half walls and windows.
The only way you could tell it was a hospital was from a few IV bags hung here or there.
The equipment (the little bit there) looked like it was from the 40’s or 50’s.
The mothers stay with the children to take care of them, because the nurses don’t do anything but medicate and take temperatures.
Most of the nurses just sit in their station and text on their phones or talk to each other.
The mothers feed, clean and spend all the time with the children.
They usually sleep on a little log bench or just on the floor.
The children are all in what looks like giant metal cribs.
Old beds with bars basically.
The infants are tightly bundled and just kept on something that looks like a table.
They don’t roll because they are so tightly bundled, they can’t move.
Most children have IV lines coming out of their heads, except for the ones that don’t move much- theirs’ are in their little arms.
Not many of them spoke English, so that was kind of a barrier and I was told I would be picked up in two hours.
I had no idea what to do.
I had no plan what so ever and felt overwhelmed (like I had to be with each child) and lost. (what do I do with them?
I’m use to kids that are full of energy and trying to control them)
Most of all, I wanted to bring some light to the situation, even if I felt like just bursting into tears and walking out.
I ended up roaming up and down the aisle.
I would go to the back and play, dance or just stand, smile and talk with the older kids.
The front of the room broke my heart the most.
That was where all the infants were.
There was one little girl that just beautiful.
I wanted to hold her, but she was so tiny and fragile, I thought I’d break her.
She had what I think was an oxygen tank hooked up to her.
It was the only piece of medical equipment that I could really see.
When I first saw her, her big, brown eyes focused on me and would follow me all around.
I would just stand there and stroke her head and watch her.
By the end of my time there, her condition went down hill.
Her eyes would roll in opposite directions, she kept puffing and when she puffed-white stuff would come out.
She was a fighter and was fighting for her life.
I had to blink back the tears.
I just stood there wondering how God could let her suffer like this.
How could her let a little one stay in this kind of condition?
In my head, I just wanted to tell her to just let go, but I couldn’t get it out of my mouth.
I just didn’t understand why she had to stay in that condition.
I wondered if it would have been better if she wasn’t even born.
I just kept having bitter and angry thoughts run through my head.
How could God let this happen?
Why am I so blessed when other are so poor?
Why was I born in
America while she was born in a third world country?
And what was my part in all of this?
Why was I the only one to see this?
I’m here a little while longer, and then what?
I could make things better…bring new stuff in…but would that really help?
Would that just be Westernizing them?
This is their life…the only thing they know…what do they think about it…do they see this as being as awful as I saw it?
Another thought…there was a church denomination name behind the hospital name (though other church donated the things inside…little plaque mentioned that)
I wondered if people back home really knew what they were sponsoring.
Is it really all about the numbers?
Even in churches?
Would it not be better to put money into one thing that is growing, thriving rather than say you sponsor 10,000 projects, but on closer examination, they are all falling apart?
This was kind of my reality check and gives me lots to think on…
