Well, it's been a while since my last update…I would like to blame that on the fact that my computer no longer works, plus I spent the last month without electricity. But life has been good! The month before last I was in Rwanda – and I must say it was probably the most challenging month I've had on the race thus far.
The family we stayed with was super awesome and hospitable, and I enjoyed getting to know our host very much. He knew 2 very limited Spanish phrases: "En el nombre de Dios poderoso" and "cada día much la muchach"…that second one doesn't actually mean anything, but it was an admirable effort nonetheless. And at this point, any glimmer of Spanish makes me excited.
Anyways, I left Kenya on a very high note because it was just such a sweet month of ministry, of getting to know our hosts, and of spending time together as a team. Plus they had a refrigerator and a stove!…which made for some delicious cooking ventures, including so many chocolate chip cookies. …. But then we went to Rwanda. And it was just…different. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but I never really felt fully settled the entire month. It wasn't necessarily bad though; I feel like I learned a lot.
Rwanda is such a beautiful country. I wasn't expecting that, first of all. Also, I wasn't expecting to still encounter lingering effects of the genocide. It is literally impossible to encounter someone who hasn't been directly affected – everyone has at least one (generally more) family member who was brutally murdered, or was the one comitting murder, during that time nearly 18 years ago. The personal stories people have to share are literally unbelievable. I also had the opportunity to go to the genocide museum in Kigali…it's so hard to comprehend the hatred that existed to drive people to such extremes. Yet there are also stories of people who encountered God for the first time during the genocide. People who learned how to forgive and continue on with life because they personally experienced God's grace in the midst of such incredible circumstances. God's grace is so real and so unending. So is His presence. He can reach out and meet people wherever they are – even in the midst of extreme tragedy. I felt so humbled to meet with so many people & to hear their stories of redemption.
So why was it a hard month? Well, I just felt like it was hard to personally connect with God. I kept hearing about other people's testimonies, but God just seemed so distant to me, and I found it hard to seek Him more each day. But even in that frustration, I learned a lesson. God doesn't always reveal himself to us with tangible feelings…but that doesn't mean He isn't there. Whether I can feel his presence or not, He's always with me…ALWAYS. And still beckoning me onward toward more of Him.
And what's so cool is that even when we feel furthest from God, He can still come through in such amazing ways. For example, in spite of all of the encouraging Scriptures about trusting in God that I shared with people when given the opportunity to preach, I wasn't really living it out myself. I still held onto my selfish desires of what is to come after the race…I held onto my "safe plan," just in case God didn't come through or didn't give me the plan that I wanted. And all of a sudden, it just dawned on me one day that I needed to let go…for real this time. All of this worrying about the future & all of that jazz just isn't something I need to spend my time on. God really does have it under control. Really, really. So one day, after feeling like I wasn't hearing from God in weeks, I decided to do what I needed to do to get right with Him & let go of the control of my life I've been holding onto for so long. And I felt so much freedom once that happened.
God is so good. Even in the moments that it seems like He's far away…He's so near & so ready to draw us closer to Him.
