it is 3 am here in johannesburg. 3 am. i am laying here in the lice quarantine room where we are all lice free. crying. silent streaky sobbing. writing this blog to post for some reason instead of the 3 i had written. i guess it is because vulnerability is good and i am learning that slowly but surely.
i haven’t slept tonight. not one wink. i have been staring at the bottom of anna wilks bed for the past 4 hours with tears streaming down the side of my face. why is this happening?
we have been at impact for two days and we are already packing up and leaving again. my team, refinement, has moved around 10 times now in the first month and half of being in south africa. unpacking and repacking a backpack. wearing the same clothes over and over. i just don’t feel like myself. this is so much harder than i thought. i thought this would be a mission trip where yeah i grow and come out a little different but that was about it. and that i say good byes before i leave america and then about month 3 or 4 i remember them and get sad and then on christmas maybe cry a little. and then new years comes and it would be exciting and fun because it’s full squad and we get to live this life together and “start off the new year right”.
and then comes PVT and i get to squeeze my parents and give them hugs and show them this amazing life i get to live, but the goodbye is so hard, i imagine myself broken and sad and tired and just wanting them to stay there with me. and then on my birthday we talk about how hot it is in cambodia and how excited i am to see my friends and my family in a short 3 months. and then by april i may have had to work through a little bit of drama, that i want more of jesus, but i want to go home. and then comes may and the last month really just passes by with a breeze and then that’s the race. a really just good memory that i took some good lessons from. i changed and grew in who i was.
i am naive. it’s month 2 and that image i had has been completely shattered. month 1 was hard. the Lord is breaking me down. completely destroying me to remake me in his image. he has humbled me and taken away my pride. he has grown my roots strong in him so i will not waiver, but while doing so i am
realizing the way i’ve treated and loved people is not how jesus loved. that my life i could have walked better. i could have shown more grace and forgiveness and held myself back from bitterness. my life could’ve been more rooted him in. and that destroys me. it has broken me into a bunch of little glass pieces. but i know he will refine me. i know he will put all my pieces back together into a beautiful image of who He created me to be.
just right now it’s hard. ministry is going out and declaring my faith every single day. sharing my testimony and who i am in God. and the truth is right now i’m unsure of who i am in God. but I do know he will sustain me and loves me despite my confusion. and that’s a God that I can’t wait to be built up in. I can’t wait till I am out of the crushing and the pressing. I can’t wait to be where he wants me to be.
i’m sorry for the no caps. i wrote this in my notes and thought it would be best to share myself right where i am at no matter how hard it is:)
