We are back at Impact Africa and oh my, I am more than happy, I am overjoyed. The day after we got back we had ministry off to debrief and it really helped me sooooo here’s the deal on my last couple blogs. My blog “I guess this is good morning” shows exactly what I am walking in. The beautiful mess of what it looks like when God refines you and makes ashes into beauty. Like the very first time we had ever entered the gates of Impact I heard God say so clearly to me, “This is where I am breaking you down.” And my next blog “going to prison for 10 days !!” is more an overview of the ministry we had while staying in the prison. As I said going school to school was absolutely amazing and grew me in public speaking. It showed the faithfulness of the Lord even in the breaking down. That there is still happy when it’s hard. And to be honest the school visits was what kept me going while in Pietermaritzburg. Because for me staying in a prison put me in a mental prison. While the blog about our ministry was fully accurate with my feelings about what the Lord was doing and what I was seeing it was only tailored for my feelings when we were out and about.
So… my mental prison. here is a journal entry to better explain it:
22:30 Prison 10/28/19
I hate this. I can’t sleep. I can’t nap after hours of ministry. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t walk anywhere alone without fear. I can’t breathe. I am scared. This prison has no prisoners, except me. I am seeing the torture and darkness of this abandoned prison unfold in front of me. I wake up to me being choked or seeing someone in my dreams. I wake up in tears after seeing my family being taken away from me in a nap dream. I keep hearing bloody murder screams at 2 am that shake me awake. I am being tortured here. Poked at and used to fuel the demons here. I am so confused. The day is fruitful and faithful, but as soon as I enter my cell I am uncontrollably shaking and my knees become weak. The darkness I am overcome by is holding me back. I can’t even walk to the bathroom alone without hearing someone following me and me turning around to see no one is there. I feel insane. Lord help me.
This was my 10 nights at Pietermaritzburg. Spiritual Warfare is so incredibly real. I was being overcome by this darkness, by fear. But I forgot to remind myself that I have my name written in Heaven. That there is a Light that overcomes the darkness. I was so ready to leave the prison out of fear that I forgot that I can overcome that with the power my Father has. Lyle, an 11n11 racer, joined us for Monday night worship the day we got back from
Pietermaritzburg. He immediately started to speak over us what the Holy Spirit had for that night. He told us that we were to declare things over ourselves in Jesus name and I was lost. Praying, feeling like I couldn’t feel the Lord. Second guessing everything about my faith in that room of worship. Thinking of the fear that I was going to have walking from the main house to our west wing home afterwards. Yet right after that thought popped up into my head the Lord said, “ NO FEAR. “ Absolutely no fear. I got to speak out in front of our mega-team and Lyle that I would have no more fear. I wrote another entry in my journal, which said:
“ I DECLARE over myself NO more fear. Our God is greater than anything. He is bigger and more powerful than any demon, possession, oppression, evil spirit that roams this Earth. In Jesus name I will have no more fear because I have a God that went before me and won the battle. I have a God that is a best friend that walks beside me through the fire. And I have a God that is behind me picking up the pieces of my brokenness and putting me back together in his image. So after this worship tonight I declare over myself NO MORE FEAR. Fear, you have lost your hold on me. You have no grip or hook in me. I am leaving you in Pietermaritzburg in that prison in my cell. You will not follow. You will not creep in. The enemy has no power over me. I am no longer a slave to my fear. “
So yeah this post is a lot. I was terrified, often in tears by myself confused why me. But I have learned it’s because I am doing something right for the Kingdom. That the Devil just wants to tear me down, but he can’t because I have a Holy Spirit that lives in me that is more powerful than any darkness. That when we encounter darkness we meet it with the Light and overwhelming power of Jesus, not in fear. Because we are taken care of as children of God. As Carter, another 11n11 racer, said to me, “The Enemy is a PUNK.” He’s like the school bully and we are the bosses in the end that employ him. We have the power because we have the Holy Spirit. Believe it. <— that’s something I am working on right now. But it’s real. And I think the coolest lesson of this all is even in my brokenness, even in my fear, even in my doubt, the Lord was still faithful and showed me life every morning through the school children. That’s a God that loves me deeply and fights for me.
