One day, I was talking with my teammate and she was annoying the crap out of me. At this point we’re basically sisters, we love each other to death, and sometimes we annoy each other to death. My teammate was annoying me because she was stressed. After a while, I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just change her attitude and I wasn’t being very understanding. I encouraged her to choose joy, but I said it out of my own frustration. I was so blinded by my aggravation that I couldn’t see from her perspective. Later as we were talking again, this time in a healthy manner, the Lord convicted me that I was wrong. It was a blow.
It’s in moments like that where I need to be slow to speak. Sometimes I need to just hold my tongue. However, throughout the race the feedback I have received from others is to speak up. It has been really difficult for me to find the balance between speaking up and holding my tongue. I’ve learned that speaking up is speaking up for God not myself. What I mean is I don’t always need to say what I’m thinking if what I’m thinking doesn’t bring life. Yet, if I’m convicted to say something because God puts something on my heart than I absolutely need to speak up.
For example, one day I saw an old lady down on luck as we walked down the street. I walked straight towards her and stopped to greet her and listen. I nodded and turned to find my ministry teammates. I wanted to get her some food. My ministry teammates caught up to me in a few steps and passed me. I tried to say we should get her some food. I was walking quickly to keep up with them. Still, they didn’t hear me, they had their headphones in and I didn’t speak very loudly. I followed and I didn’t try again to get their attention. I reasoned that the food stand we normally go to was closed and we were late. I dragged behind, upset, frustrated, and defeated. As I thought over what had happened I knew I only needed to speak up, and that in cases like that where I feel convicted to do something, I am speaking not just for myself but for God. I’m saying what He is saying to my heart. This is the kind of speaking up I am still growing in.
Sometimes it’s hard to receive feedback from others. I don’t always know how to take it. However, when I receive feedback I can take it to God and grow. It has been really cool to talk to my squad leaders and teammates about speaking up and finding this balance because they have got to encourage me a lot. They have been able to encourage me first to grow and second in how I have grown. Although the balance between speaking up and staying quiet is still hard, I have come so far. On the race I have gotten to be crazy bold simply because God put something on my heart, I have gotten to give speeches, and I have learned how to verbally process without gossiping. It has been a cool journey, and one I’m still on.
