I realized in that moment why we had come into the house. We weren’t just prayer walking randomly around the village and we hadn’t randamly been invited into the house. We were going specific houses to ask if we could actually pray with people.
The people in this house in particular, though I didn’t know it at the time, were not Christians. Still, they graciously let us in. They asked us to pray for their relative. A once healthy and active young woman, lay crippled in a makeshift cot. A tumor left her paralyzed. She was barely more than skin and bones. At the time I did not know any of her story. The Spanish explanations flew straight over my head. All I saw was a very sick woman and my heart broke at the sight. Our host asked, through our translator, if one of us would like to pray.
“I will.” I said, although I didn’t feel very qualified. My heart raced with conviction and I needed to pray for this lady. Cautiously I reached out and touched her on the arm. I began to pray. As always, our host and the other strong ladies of faith who helped run the church lifted up their voices in earnest prayer as well. I have never heard people pray with such reverence and passion before I met those ladies. I prayed for healing and blessing and I dont remember what else. My words ran to together, but I knew it didn’t matter what words I said, God heard us.
I opened my eyes. Nothing happened. We filed out of the house and I felt my heart sink even lower. I was disappointed, although not altogether suprised. She wasn’t healed. I’m not even sure she ever knew we had come. What was the point? Why was I even there? I know God can heal. I have seen him do it time and time again. Even just a few days before praying for that lady, my team had experienced miraculous healing amongst ourselves. Why wouldn’t God heal the lady? What good did our presence do? What good did our prayers do if He chose not to answer? It was pointless. I wrestled with God in my heart.
What are we doing here? Nothing. It’s pointless.
It’s not pointless Anna. It’s doing something. It means something even if you can’t see what it means.
We continued our prayer walk. My heart trembled and I was lost in my thoughts until we arrived at the older couple’s house. It was the same man who we had prayed for the very first day. The same man who we had found sitting with his tattered old bible. The same man who had fallen into a barbed wire fence and hurt his back. The same couple who could not dance, run, or do so many things. He had not been healed either.
Perhaps you are wondering why I am telling you the stories where God did not show up instead of the stories where He healed miraculously. It may be because I am being cynical, but I think these stories are crucial. It’s easy to praise God when He does incredible miracles and is tangibly present, but it is quite another thing when despite obvious need, prayers, and faith, God simply does not act in the way we wish. It is so hard to praise God in the midst of pain and hardship. It is so hard to patiently wait for God to act.
In the village, I saw people in the midst of pain and hardship worship God with incredible reverence and joy. At each house our host read a short passage from the Bible. This older couple chose to stand up for this, the man whose back was hurt stood straight and tall with dignity. When our host was done reading, we got to pray with the older couple and hear their hearts. They were ecstatic that we had come to pray with them. They grinned from ear to ear. The old man told us, through our translator friend, how good God is. He was so full of joy and wonder. Even in the midst of his pain, even though I knew his back was killing him he wanted to praise God. He taught us what it looks like to live in faith. God used this man to show me how much a prayer means, even if I don’t see the fruit of that prayer.
I started writing this blog at debrief. (Debrief us a time where my squad, all 33 of us plus leaders retreat and process what we are experiencing and learning.) Since then, God has shown me a lot. I thought what I’d learned since would not tie in but it actually does. At debrief, I was struggling because I was not seeing the fruit of the Spirit in my life. We do something called ATL which stands for Ask the Lord. Basically we pray and ask God what to do, and spend the day trying to be a blessing to others. This has looked like handing out flowers and writing encouraging notes. I had high hopes of having really cool encounters with people and with God but that has not been how ATL has turned out. I can’t see the impact of what we are doing and it often feels pointless. I guess I was expecting the kind of stories Todd White tells where everywhere he goes he shares the love of Jesus, impact lifes, and gets these crazy stories. I realized I was seeking after the fruit and I was seeking after these cool stories, rather than seeking after God. I wanted the end result instead of trying to grow in my relationship with God and in intimacy with God. I’m not always going to see the impact of what I do, I’m not always going to have a really cool story, but I shouldn’t be striving towards that, I just need to grow in love.
At Debrief, our leaders asked us to define what the race (our time on world race) has been like so far with a phrase or word. At first I was like oh great how am I supposed to define four months in a single word or phrase, but then the phrase it’s not pointless popped into my head. I thought of the blog I had already started writing, the one you are reading now, and the title I had already created. I realized the phrase it’s not pointless was a reacuring theme throughout my whole race. There have been many times where I’ve wondered what am I even doing here? Only to be reminded: love. I’m here because I love Jesus and because he has shown me His love for people, and however much I may feel that what I’m doing is pointless, it’s not. My life here on earth is not pointless, I have purpose, and so do you.
My what’s the point griping began the very first day of ministry in Thailand. We were shown around the women’s house. They wanted us to paint over murals on the walls. Murals people had painted before us hoping to brighten up the house, for women who used to live in the same house under a different Christian ministry. Murals that had clearly taken hours upon hours (Thanks to Destination Imagination I know how long that kind of stuff takes). What was the point of them painting those murals for us to just paint over them? What was the point of us painting a house that was already painted beautifully? Well the paint was old and some of the murals were slapped together, there were clearly places that needed touch ups, but I felt bad painting over those murals. What was the point? The point was we got to love the women who lived there well. They picked what they wanted in their rooms, what color, and what decorations. They got to start a new life in a place they could call home. Two women wanted blue. Three women wanted three slightly different shades of off white, so we painted their rooms three different, not so different, shades of off white. We got to love them well, and that was certainly not pointless.
What was the point of digging for the entire day for a water line we never found? What was the point of befriending orphans we only got to see for one day? What was the point of sitting in a room “selling” uniforms only to tell virtually everyone to come back mid December when the new stock arrived? What was the point of struggling through embarrassment and language barriers only to tell them I couldn’t get them the right size? What was the point of making a 3D letter of a refugee’s name, like some craft is going to solve her problems? I have felt over and over again like am doing nothing. What is the impact of what we have done? I will never know, but I do know this: it’s not pointless. I get to love people! Maybe I only see them for one day, maybe ten days, maybe a month, maybe two months, but I get to show love to people who are weighed down with heartbreaking stories and hardships I can’t imagine. It’s not pointless, no matter how much it may feel that way. God brings good from even the hardest things in this world. This life has purpose meaning and beauty for all of us, and love shines brightest through pain.
“Never forget why you are here.” (My host).
