I doubted. I’ve written what seems like a million blogs on how much I doubted the Lord in this season. And the reality is that I even doubted Him while I watched Him work.
Let me explain- I think I’ve talked about the struggle I have with hearing the Lord’s voice. I don’t know if it’s me talking or if that Lord really thinks what I’m doing is a bad idea. I don’t get visions, my dreams consist of me playing a part in a movie, I don’t speak in tounges, I wasn’t given the gift of worship (this is known by my singing voice…), I was given the gift of knowledge, I was given the gift of counsel. I was given more than I thought an I doubted the Lord in this.
When we first got to Swaziland, I was terrified. I was scared that I was listening to myself and not the Lord. I was discouraged that I wasn’t getting a loud booming voice from Him.
About two and a half weeks into being here, I was talking with a friend about Mattew 12. If you don’t know what Matthew 12 is, its ok, I didn’t know until about two and a half weeks ago. Anyways Matthew 12 talks about the sign of Jonah. It says,
“Then some of the scribes and Pharisees told Jesus, “Teacher, we want to see a sign from you.” But he replied to them, “An evil and adulterous generation craves a sign. Yet no sign will be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah, because just as Jonah was in the stomach of the sea creature for three days and three nights, so the Son of Man will be in the heart of the earth for three days and three nights. 41 The men of Nineveh will stand up at the judgment and condemn the people living today because they repented at the preaching of Jonah. But look—something greater than Jonah is here! 42 The queen of the south will stand up and condemn the people living today because she came from so far away to hear the wisdom of Solomon. But look! Something greater than Solomon is here!”
We talked more but I wanted to know more. I dissected the book of Jonah for 4 days, asking any question I could think of. Talking with every person who had an opinion or would listen to me word vomit about what the heck the sign of Jonah was.
I read chapter 4 of Jonah about 12 times. I had no idea what it meant. It kept talking about a plant that the Lord had built for Jonah and Jonah was peeved off at the Lord for taking the plant back and I was just all around lost. Then I started asking questions. I learned that Lord took the plant from Jonah because Jonah was thinking he was entitled to that. Jonah taught me that rather than being angry when things don’t go our way we need to praise the Lord for the opportunity in the first place.
I learned the Lord’s voice.
Without knowing, one of my other friends was talking about it. He said, “We can wait for the Lord to come in a booming way or we can look at physical, concrete evidence of His truth.”. He said this while holding up the Word. I realized that I had spent so much time worrying about searching so hard for the Lord’s voice in some charismatic way, that I completely overlooked the touchable words of God.
With that being said, I have become the one to ask hard questions. I’ve given that gift. Being able to push my faith and get uncomfortable with it, is what I was craving. I was stuck in a comfortable faith and that’s not what being a Christian is about. We are called to look different. Called to walk with hearts from the gospel. I wasn’t being obedient to that. I expected the Lord to take all steps when in reality I was looking the Lord straight in the face one step away from meeting in the middle and ignoring Him.
“An evil and adulterous generation craves a sign.”
The Lord wasn’t going to give me a sign. He was teaching me how to be obedient and take the next step to meet Him. He was showing me what real faith looks like.
I am now constantly hearing the Lord’s voice. Having more intentional time with Him, His word, and the community He gave me. Taking on a book that, honestly, I don’t understand, Revelation. Revelation has taught me so much. One being, I can run out of highlighter ink. Second being, I can’t learn it on my own. It’s taken me TWO WEEKS to get through FIVE chapters. I’m dying, I’m confused and my head hurts all the time. But I am getting answers, I am asking the Lord for help and like always, He’s delivering. I’m learning.
