I am sitting here with this blank screen in front of me and I am at a lost of words. I am not sure how I am to portray my heart to you guys back home. I shared it with my team tonight and just kind of spit it out so I will just do the same right now. I have been struggling hard core for the last two weeks or so. I have had zero alone time to process and have chosen to ignore my feelings and haven’t allowed myself time to feel and grieve until today. So here is what I got.
As much as I would like to believe that I can handle transitions in life I have come to realize that they tear me apart. And the last 9 1/2 months has been one transition after another. As you all know I fell in LOVE with Cambodia. My heart was broken for the country and the people in it, especially those we spent the month with there. I struggled the following month in Kenya as I felt that I had just had my heart ripped out of my heart. I closed myself off so as not to become attached again. I was not open to ministry that month or making relationships with the people there. Then we arrived in Uganda and I struggled again until I surrendered my time there over to the Lord. Then I fell in LOVE with Uganda. With the country again but more importantly with the friends I made there. Then we left as we always do and I felt my heart being ripped out again. So I decided to close myself off even more, deciding not to let people in. I made up my mind that I would coast for the last six weeks of this race and not think twice about it. I mean that has been my coping mechanism for the last 24 years of my life. I am not going to change all of the sudden. I know it is not healthy but the way I operate is always to check out when I know things are coming to an end. I just figure if I start to push people away now and check out then it would be that much easier when I actually say good bye in August.
OBVIOUSLY I WAS WRONG………cause Emily noticed.
It never seems to amaze me how well people truly do know you when you live so closely with them. I thought I was hiding it but once again I was wrong. She helped me process it a bit and I shared the rest with my team.
The Lord has created me with a huge heart, a heart that loves deeply, strongly, with passion and without end. Many times it is a blessing but sometimes it hurts. It hurts so badly, when I have loved and been vulnerable with people so much but I get hurt in the long run. Relationships and people are very important to me. Sometimes however, those connections and ties make it hard for me to move on and see what the Lord has for me at the present moment. Uganda and Cambodia and the people there have touched my heart quite deeply and it hurts more than anything to have left them behind. But I am forced to release control and place my trust in God that He has taken me away from them at this time for a reason. He has created me to feel a love so deeply for these countries and people and He will use that for His glory in the future. Right now all I can do is feel what I feel, grieve what I have left behind and continue to love with all that I have.
But right now, at this present moment, my heart is broken and I am still torn.
torn between Uganda 
and Cambodia
….torn between being open or being afraid of being hurt
…….torn between living in the present or dwelling on the past
………torn between loving my team till the last day or checking out early
…………torn between suppressing my feelings or giving myself a chance to grieve
Until Next Time
Love You Guys
Love Annalisa
