I’ve got a messy history and a saving God. I began a relationship with God when I was 11 years old, but for the longest time it was very surface level and shallow. Dare I say it: I was a cultural Christian. I publically professed my faith and inwardly resisted molding. When I was 17 I begin slowly walking away from God. By the time I was almost 19 it was a full on sprint. I decided to abandon all things of God and pursue my own desires. Unfortunately, I find this to be a common theme among ‘church kids’. Thankfully my God runs faster than I do. On October 23, 2011 he caught up to me. I still remember the day clearly. It was the day I had to choose my God or my flesh. I woke up guilt stricken. For the first time in my life my heart really understood the reality that you can’t serve two masters. I had always been taught this, and my mind understood it. It wasn’t until I had to choose that I really comprehended this.
That day was the darkest day of my life. As the flesh and spirit were at war within me, my God was gently calling me home. It wasn’t until I saw how filthy and vile I was that I could truly see how Glorious God is. So for the first time in two years, I ran towards him instead of away. And friends, oh the homecoming. Our Father gives such a beautiful homecoming. I blatantly and knowingly ignored his will and broke his heart. Essentially I stuck my middle finger in his face and told him I could do it without him. I had dug myself into the deepest, darkest hole I could have imagined and he reached in and scooped me right out. That, my friends, is a Father’s love. He never once stopped pursuing me. He was gracious enough to put some incredible people in my life who never stopped praying for me and who live out his unconditional love in a tangible way I could understand here on this earth.
From then on everything was different. I actually had a relationship with my Father. I welcomed the change he required. I found freedom in a relationship with him, not rules and law. I found joy in his presence. This was all so new to me. I had never known that he could be so freeing. I won’t pretend that it was all fun and games from there on out. I had relationships to break off and a heart to heal. But I wasn’t alone. Thank God, I was not alone. The people who had been praying for me for so long and were waiting on me to be ready to come home surrounded me and helped me through this process.
My all-time favorite scripture is Lamentations 3:19-23 and it so perfectly describes my evolution as a Christian. “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope”. I will always remember the darkness and the brokenness. But with that memory comes the memory of how my Father stepped in my filth and vileness and rescued me from myself. Therefore I have hope.
No turning back, no turning back.
