Right now, I am in an airport in Malaysia. My squad an I have a 10 hour layover here before we continue our trip to our Month 3 in Vietnam! Now that I’ve used up 7 of the 10 hours exploring Malaysia and catching up with family, I’ve had some time to reflect. I’m realizing that reflecting on an entire month is really hard… This month has been long. This became exceedingly clear to me when we drove up to the Kathmandu airport this morning and I thought, “Wow, I haven’t been here in forever”. Now, I realize why: so much has happened this month.
This month, I’ve felt affirmed and insecure. I’ve felt capable and overwhelmed. I’ve felt confident and unsure. I’ve felt unstoppable and terrified. As much as I’ve loved Nepal, I’m ready to leave. All squad month has almost felt like a break from being part of Team Rhemas. We spoke to each other and spent time with each other every single day, but we never quite kept our groove from India. Instead, we were able to disperse at times and learn from other teams, and let me tell you, I’ve learned a lot.
I think the most unexpected thing that I started learning early on this month was that I’m actually capable of being a leader. I’ve never thought of myself as a leader. Maybe this is because I know that I’m an introvert to the core, and the leaders I’ve always had have been outgoing, wise, articulate, bold and fearless. I used to think I didn’t have any of those qualities, but that’s the amazing thing about being surrounded by people who love Jesus and want to see you flourish: they see good qualities in you, and they call you up to use them.
During my time in India, I’d been told by my teammates that I have a lot of wisdom and that I have a gift for speaking truth into people’s lives. I quickly brushed those affirmations off… Then, in Nepal, some of my squad mates from other teams called that out in me as well. Hearing this from people I admire so much rocked my world. I even had people seeking me out, asking me to speak into their lives. What? Maybe this doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but the idea of having people actually seek me out for wisdom totally caught me off guard, and sparked something in me.
I realized that it’s in our nature to run from wise counsel, so when we actually go seeking it, that is a gift from God. In fact, this actually made me feel so much more confident to go asking other people to speak into my life, without feeling insecure… or really, just plain prideful. How often have I denied wise counsel because I was worried that that person would think I wasn’t as smart as they were, or that I didn’t have it all together (because so many people are under the impression that I do have it all together? LOL), or that I’m not capable of figuring out the wise thing to do?
Pride has kept me from so much wisdom; and at the same time, insecurity has kept me from realizing that the Lord has actually blessed me with wisdom. Funny how the enemy does that to us, right? He tries to keep us from seeing our spiritual gifts. He aims to have us wander around, clueless to all that the Lord has given us. Thankfully, the Lord is infinitely more powerful, and He uses times like my month in Nepal to show us what He has for us if we only accept it. So now, I’m accepting this truth and denying the lies that the enemy tries to feed me: “You have nothing important to say.” “Everyone on this squad has important gifts but you. What are you even doing here?” “No one will ever see you as a leader. You’ll always be a follower with no impact and no voice.” Isn’t that gross? Instead, I will continue to be rooted in truth: The Lord has blessed me with gifts. He has blessed me with wisdom, as well as boldness in speaking truth to people, even when it’s hard. He has blessed me with influence, and a voice that people actually listen to. He has blessed me with discernment in knowing what is of the Lord and what is not. These gifts come from Him and not me, so that I can never boast in myself, but in Jesus Christ who has begun a good work in me.
This month has been really hard. It’s been long, and so many of us have really struggled with frustration and comparison and fear. Although I’m so ready for month 3, and being part of Team Rhemas again, this month has made me so thankful for my whole squad, these believers in Christ who strive to glorify Him by edifying the body.
Please continue to pray for us in our travels! We’ve got one more flight from Malaysia to Ho Chi Mihn City, and then a 22 hour bus ride to Da Nang. Pray that none of us get sick, and that we all reach our ministry destinations without any hiccups!
