It’s a weird thing.
You spend nine months preparing for the race. Then you spend nine months actually serving Jesus on the race. And then suddenly you have less than 7 days left and it’s all going to be over. The 45 strangers who turned into your family are now all going separate ways again. The experiences you’ve had are now classified as memories. The dreams you’ve had for your post-race self are now a reality; the next step that is waiting for you. The home you’ve missed is now you’re upcoming location of ministry. The family you’ve ached for is now making last minute preparations for your arrival. The church you’ve longed for is ready to welcome you again.
It’s all RIGHT THERE. And it’s all so good and so exciting! And then you turn around and remember that with all of those gifts come so many painful goodbyes. With all of the excitement comes the reminder that everything you just experienced wasn’t a dream but was a heart-wrenching, heart-filling reality.
It’s funny how your brain kind of ends up in overload and just tries to shut down in seasons of transition like this. I’ve found myself feeling almost numb emotionally, like all these conflicting emotions are just cancelling each other out or something, I don’t know! Feeling numb freaks me out because that is so not who I am!
My team has been reminiscing on all that has happened. And right now we are actually all cuddled up in our “megabed” (all of our beds smushed together) to just love on each other as it’s our last night all together here at the base. It’s been so crucial to be surrounded by this amazing community in this season. What a gift.
I’ve found that every day I have to intentionally pray for the Lord to help me be present and be joyful and grateful for the day ahead of me, instead of pre-grieving that it’s almost gone. I find that if you don’t spend intentional time with Jesus every day (in any season of life, not just this one), you’re gonna struggle. I find that the peace and grace of Jesus is sufficient in everything and He is with me as I say so many goodbyes and await so many beautiful hellos! It’s weird and it’s new but that’s what makes it exciting and interesting. I have no idea what these upcoming days will look like as we prepare for final debrief (what?!) but I’m ready to surrender my expectations. I’m ready to stop pressuring myself to feel a certain way or cry a certain amount of tears, and instead just breathe and BE WHERE MY FEET ARE. God, thank you thank you thank you for a season that is so hard to depart from, and for another season that is so exciting to enter! I am not my own, so I surrender my emotions and my whole entire brain to you in Jesus’ mighty name, trusting you wholeheartedly to do all of this processing for me. I love you, God! Let’s do this.
-Anna
