When preparing for the race, I knew I’d be surrendering the comforts of home. I said my heartfelt goodbyes to my family, my friends, my puppy, my church, my bed, my car… but, not once did I think about saying a sweet farewell to my health and fitness routine. Clean eating and CrossFit/working out have been a regular part of my life for the past three years. It’s such a normal thing that I didn’t process suddenly not having control over that part of my life for the nine months on the field.
After a couple weeks in Swaziland, eating our 2 PB&Js each day for lunch, carb-loaded dinners, and body-weight-only workouts, I quickly became very self-conscious. I was seeing my
body change, perhaps more than it actually was, and it would freak me out. I’d get jealous and frustrated in my mind when I’d see other girls on my squad, who were in the exact same living conditions as I was, not gaining weight. Comparison set in and I found myself crying and journaling through this process of abandoning my desires for my physical body. Through Christ alone I found so much peace, truth, and renewal of my identity. That will be a post for another time! But for now, let’s move on…
Body image wasn’t as much of a struggle in Nepal, walking four miles a day, eating less, and wearing sweatshirts and coats all the time. Clearly, my identity was once again way too connected to my fitness routine. I was letting my activity level and calorie intake dictate how I thought of myself, when in actuality we shouldn’t be thinking of ourselves at all. Body image struggles are one of Satan’s strongest schemes. It is really awesome and biblical to pursue healthy habits, but it can quickly turn into self-obsession, comparison, and frustration when we don’t keep our hearts intentionally set on Jesus in the process.
Now we are in India… I began to feel my insecurities coming back and I knew it was because I was freaked out by the amount of bread and rice in our diet. I was yet AGAIN letting circumstances that were out of my hands be the thing that controlled my identity, rather than being grateful for the Lord’s provision of food and securing my identity in who He says I am. I brought it to my team and my leaders and they’ve been lifting me up in prayer. I have also been praying on it each day myself, asking the Lord to free me from thinking of myself, but to rather have all my attention focused on others. I pray that in doing so He would restore my desires for health and fitness. That I’d be able to exercise discernment but also surrender control and eat what he provides and work out when He allows.
Since praying those specific prayers, God has not only been highlighting roots of the issue (caring about the approval of others instead of Him alone), but He has also been renewing my thoughts and helping me to view control over my health and fitness as a gift that is to be utilized and appreciated when possible, but fearlessly surrendered when it’s not.
God has been blessing my prayers by providing me with some healthier options for food, and providing new ways to work out with actual weights. “Actual weights” as in a massive water jug, two random bricks, and my daypack, which I fill with a bunch of stuff until it can be used effectively for some curls hahah. I was able to view these gifts as blessings to help me gain strength, rather than the “saving grace” to cure my insecurities. God has been reminding me that my desire to be healthy is of Him and it’s honoring to Him, but only when the root of the desire is to use my body as He designed it to be used. When the root of the desire is to look a certain way or cling to control, the glory is no longer His but mine, and it turns into a downward spiral of comparison and negative, self-focused thoughts.
So, this is definitely something I’m still intentionally praying on, but I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord would show me so much grace and patience, reminding me of how He sees me, loves me, and approves of me. I’m grateful that He would give me a body that is physically capable of moving and gaining strength. I’m grateful that He would trust me with the gifts of healthy food and very random workout “equipment”. He could literally break my legs beneath me, taking away my ability to be active until I surrendered. But He hasn’t done that! He is so kind! I’m grateful to be in a season where I’m learning to surrender control over this area of my life, thinking of myself less and pursuing a life that honors Him with every breath. I’m excited to see what it looks like when I get back home in four months, appreciating the privilege of being able to eat clean and work out however I so choose, but not letting those habits determine my image. I’m ready to keep pressing into self-denial, surrendering myself for the sake of serving others and glorifying His name above all.
Jesus, thank you for this season of surrendering and for gaining an appreciation of the freedom and accessibility to making my own choices for my health. I pray that Satan’s schemes would fail in Jesus’ name, and that my only thoughts about my body would be thoughts of how I can best glorify you, rather than how I can meet my own shallow standard. Jesus, I love you and I’ll praise you forever! I pray all of these things in your holy name. Amen.
-Anna
