December 29th, 2017 is a day that will live in infamy. A day I would like to punch square in the face. It’s the day that myself and my teammates Lynden and Mary Beth decided to hike Volcán Barú. Grab a bag of popcorn and settle in cause we’re in for a bumpy (and longgg) ride.
Volcán Barú is the tallest mountain in Panama, located just outside of Boquete, a 2 hour drive from where my team is staying. Looking for fun things to do on our off days, Mary Beth, Lynden, and I decided to hike this mountain. It sits at an elevation of 3,475 m (11,400 ft) above sea level and is a 13.5 km (8.4 miles) hike from start to summit with an elevation gain of 1,700 m (5,577 ft). The most popular way to do it is starting around midnight in order to catch the sunrise at the summit around 6-6:30 am, which is what we did. The path is about a 10 foot wide, steep gravel road the whole way up. And I mean the whole way. There’s about 10-15 minutes of leisure/downhill walking throughout the 6 hour hike. Now that I’ve set the scene, let’s get into the story.
Part One: What happened
We begin hiking around 11:30 pm the night of the 28th. It’s pitch black with only the light of the moon and our headlamps to guide us. We’re all in high spirits, thinking this hike is gonna be a fun time: physical activity, God’s beautiful creation, the company of friends, what a solid combination for a great day. We join forces with some nice guys our age from Finland and Germany. Qué divertido! As we’re making our way up, Lynden and I are thinking, “Dang, this is kinda steep. Hope the whole way isn’t like this.” I remember reaching the 4.5 km sign, feeling pretty good. A little tired, but good. These feelings do not continue much longer.
Not soon after, I start praying to God.
- 5 km “Dear Jesus, I’m only a little over a third of the way done with this hike. Imma need you to help me out a little.”
- 6-7 km “Alright, God, I’m almost half way there, half way there! Give us good spirits, give us energy. Please. More energy would be really great right now! I’m not feeling so hot”
- 8-9 km “JESUS, I NEED YOU NOW. Jesus, carry me. Jesus, move my feet, please. Jesus, push me up this hill. Pull me up this hill. Carry me up this hill. Give my legs energy. Relieve my muscles. I declare ENERGY over my body. This is NOT what I thought you had in mind. Why did I do this to myself?! Holy crap. Lynden, turn that worship music back on!!!!!!!
- 10-11 km “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. I’M DONE I’M SO DONE. Please please please please please please please pleeeeease no more, God. No more. I need you. Oh my God, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I CAN’T. Why me why me why me? Take me to heaven right now. Please please please please help me.
- 12-13 km “Take my body to heaven. I beg of you. Take me to heaven. I’d rather die than go on. I want to die. Move my legs, Lord, cause I’m not doing it anymore. I’m done. I can’t do this. Why did you do this to us? Why was this your plan for our day?
Reaching the summit, all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I didn’t give two rips about the view. I was freezing, mentally and physically EXHAUSTED, incredibly frustrated and exasperated, mad & confused, and I couldn’t move my body without pain. I have never pushed my body that far, and truly hope I never have to again. It was awful. Once the sun came up, the view at the top was great but NOT worth the pain I went through to see it. Here’s some pictures of the view and mine and Lynden’s feelings about it.
Alright, so Lynden and I were NOT about to walk all the way back down that satanic mountain. There are 4WD vehicles that drive people that either don’t want to or are unable to hike it up and down the mountain. Lynden was dead set on paying for a ride down, no matter what the cost. Praise the Lord. Turns out, there was no room in any of the vehicles, BUT there was another one coming up soon that should have room. Sweet! We wait. For 2 hours. He never showed.
So here we are, walking back down that mountain. I’m upset to put it lightly. We are going at a pretty good pace, as going down is much easier than going up, until Lynden’s knee and hip begin to hurt. Lynden has tight IT bands and walking down a steep mountain with loose gravel and large rocks for a path pushed her body passed its breaking point. Each kilometer down felt like an hour. We were so frustrated and tired at this point that it felt like a feat in itself just to keep from crying. It felt like a bad dream in slow motion that we couldn’t wake up from. 1.5 km from the bottom, we couldn’t do it anymore. Lynden and I sit on the side of the road while Mary Beth runs to the bottom to find a truck to take us the rest of the way. Oh, and she gets attacked by a dog on the way down, so that was great. Long story short, we made it to the bottom and back to Boquete only after a potato farmer took pity on us and picked us up on the side of the road. Thank God for potato farmers. What a freaking day.
Part Two: What God taught me
Stay tuned for this because it is the best part, in my opinion. Most of the way up and all of the way down, I knew God was teaching us something. This was a trial. We were suffering. Why did God put us through that awful experience? He has something he is trying to teach us. I knew I had a lot of processing to do with God when I got back because there was no way he put me through something like that for no reason. I am still working this out with the Lord, but here is what I have processed so far:
The power of his will: Sitting on top of the mountain, waiting for a truck to take us down, I knew we wouldn’t get one and we would be walking down. I begged and pleaded with God for an hour to send us a truck and every time, God clearly said “no”. I’m telling you, I pleaded. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. We were walking down that mountain. As we’re walking, about 3 km down, two empty trucks drove right by us down the mountain. They smiled and nodded their heads at us and it was all I could do not to pray a lightning bolt to come down on their heads. God could’ve stopped those trucks so we could get a ride down, but he didn’t. Why? Why did God want us to walk back down that mountain so stinkin bad?? To tell you the truth, I really don’t know yet. But I do believe he wanted to show us the unmovable power of his divine will. I think it was a show of his power in the fact that I had absolutely no control over God’s plan. I begged and I pleaded, but he still had his way. The power of his will is unmovable and God will finish his tasks unto completion whether you want him to or not. It made me feel powerless. And what better way to show me how great your power is than to make me feel small and absolutely powerless?
“What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath – prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory.” Romans 9:22-23 NIV
Was it a metaphor? As much as I wish it weren’t true, I think Volcán Barú is a metaphor for a season that God is going to make me walk through. I accepted Christ two years ago on this exact day (Happy Anniversary, Jesus!!!), and since then whenever I have faced trials or walked through a valley in my spiritual walk, I turn away from God instead of toward him. This is something I have been praying about, that the next time I walk through a valley, that I can turn TO him instead of AWAY, that I can be faithful and obedient to him. Walking up that mountain was a trial and the only reason I made it to the top was because I gave everything to Jesus. I’m telling you right now that if I didn’t have Jesus carrying me up that mountain, I wouldn’t have made it. That was just a small way I depended on him through a very short trial, but I think God is trying to affirm me, give me confidence, and show me that I DO have the ability to depend on him through trials. And when I think the worst is over, he is going to push me deeper into that season (walking down the mountain). This time he didn’t give me a chance to disobey him. His will was that we walk down that mountain and he completed his will by not sending a truck. Would I have taken a truck even though I knew God wanted us to walk? Will I disobey God’s will in a future trial and take a shortcut out of a valley instead of walking through it when he has more to teach me? I guess we shall see. Thanks for the heads up though, Jesus! Funny how I walked through a valley while I was literally on a mountain. God’s got a funny sense of humor sometimes. If you feel like you’re walking through a valley right now, I would encourage you to let God carry you through it.
On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I’m standing on the mountain I didn’t get there on my own
When I’m walking through the valley I know I am not alone!
You’re God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
Tauren Wells – “Hills and Valleys” (This song is AMAZING, go listen to it!) https://youtu.be/8iDuZv_5MQk
No such thing as an unanswered prayer: You’re probably thinking “What? I have plenty of prayers God hasn’t answered…” Stay with me. Walking down that mountain, I was mad at God. I was frustrated with Him. Before the hike, Lynden, Mary Beth, and I prayed over the day: that it would be a good day, he would keep us safe, yada yada, your usual hiking prayer. Thinking back to that prayer, I was confused as to why he didn’t answer that, specifically the part about having a good day. Like, what is so hard about answering a “Let it be a good day” prayer?! Why did you blatantly deny such a simple request and give us an AWFUL day? So why do I believe there is no such thing as an unanswered prayer? In Tim Keller’s book, Prayer, he says this:
“We have the assurance that God, our heavenly Father always wants the best for his children. Therefore, as John Calvin writes, ‘God grants our prayer, [even if] he does not always respond to the exact form of our request,’ and later he says, ‘even when he does not comply with our wishes, [he] is still attentive and kindly to our prayers, so that hope relying upon his word will never disappoint us.’ In short, God will either give us what we ask or give us what we would have asked if we knew everything he knew.”
A personal example he uses for this is a prayer he fervently prayed, asking God not to break up a relationship he was in during seminary. Eventually, they broke up. Here is how he responded about God not answering that prayer:
“Did God deny my prayer? Yes but no, because there was at the core of the prayer a desire for God to give me a ministry partner. This was the implicit request. Then there was the mistaken part: ‘This is the woman who will help me.’ The Spirit, even when you do not know how to pray, takes your core prayer and prays as you should be praying before the throne. When you struggle in prayer, you can come before God with the confidence that he is going to give you what you wold have asked for if you knew everything he knows. He does care, and he loves you boundlessly.”
Whoa! God takes our core prayers, prayers that we don’t even realize we’re praying and answers those! So what was my core prayer in asking for a good day? I think it depends on God’s definition of “good.” My definition of good is dependent on my emotions. It was a good day if I was happy and had fun. On the other hand, God’s idea of a good day is a day that glorifies him. Maybe everything I went through was ultimately for his glory. Maybe I’ll use what I learned and what he taught me in the future to bring glory to his kingdom. Boom – it was a good and fruitful day in the Lord’s eyes. Prayer answered. I would encourage you to look into prayers that you feel like God hasn’t answered. Search for your core prayer, and I think you will find that God has been more faithful than you realized!
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:26-28
Wow. Here is where my novel ends. I am truly impressed if you made it this far. Thank you for reading and thank you for being a faithful supporter of God’s mission! I hope you enjoyed this story, I hope you had a great 2017, and I hope 2018 is even brighter. I’m gonna spend the rest of the day enjoying my anniversary with Jesus! Peace and blessings, everyone.
Fundraising update: I am about 70% funded! Wowee Wowww! Thank you so much to everyone that’s supported me. If 50 people gave $100, I would be very nearly there!! Moment of vulnerability: fundraising is not easy for me, it’s not something I thoroughly enjoy. BUT I know God is faithful through this process and will provide the funds I need. Please continue to help me through prayer and sharing my story with people. Word of mouth really helps! Alright, that’s it for now, thanks everyone!
