In honor of World Race Day (11/11), I wanted to think of 11 things that I have recently learned. So I thought and prayed. The Lord took me a different direction and I only have one for you:
1. Vulnerability sucks.
I have learned so much about myself in the past five months and I am so grateful for it. Like how I’ve recently discovered that I can (somewhat) harmonize and how much I truly enjoy loving people. As many great things as I have unearthed about myself, I have found my fair share of unflattering things. I have tried everything possible to run and hide from them. You know where that has brought me?
Here. A place where I have been keeping people an arm’s distance away. For too long, I’ve been pretending that the things that I’ve been through haven’t impacted me. I convinced myself that I am invincible and perfect when, in reality, I am a hot mess.
The Lord has been so gracious to me, as He always is. He has been slowly chipping away the layers of bitterness that have formed as a result of burying feelings. The biggest thing that He has been showing me through this is the importance of vulnerability. Vulnerability has allowed me to begin to unravel the shame that has wound it’s way around my heart. Brene Brown says that, “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. Shame loves secrecy.”
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. Heck, I am too. All I know is that God has called me into a season of being vulnerable and I am going to embrace it, even if it means writing a blog about it.
About six years ago, I experienced my first broken heart by a guy who manipulated me to get what he wanted. It messed me up and started me on a crazy journey that was laced with loneliness, depression, and self harm. I sported a worn in jacket of pain; it was a familiar one that I was not willing to shed. So I said the right words to release me from the hospital, to get the cops off my lawn, and to get out of therapy. My coat grew more snug with time as I repeated the cycle: let someone in, have them share my coat, manipulate, lie, push away, repeat.
And that was life. In fact, it still could be my life if I so choose. The jacket is discarded on the ground, tossed aside. It’s up to me to decide if I will wear it or not. And now, I choose to leave it. But I know that by my own strength, I can only fold my old coat up and stash it away- it’ll always be there until I let the Lord in. He is ready to pull apart each and every thread from that coat until it sits as a pile of string at His feet, all I have to do is surrender.
I’m not telling you this for a pity party. Lord knows I’ve thrown enough of those for myself over the years. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that vulnerability is hard, but it’s worth it. Your past is nothing to be ashamed of or run from.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
