Currently my bedroom is a nightmare. Crap is strewn everywhere- shorts, travel sized toiletries, packing cubes. I suppose that’s what comes with the territory of traveling from place to place over the next few weeks and months. Which gives my highly organized self a new level of anxiety and an internal eye twitch that I’m sure won’t stop until my feet land in London.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.
With a two month summer from work (#schoolscheduleperks), I started daydreaming of the adventure that could be. Although I have deeply loved living near the cities and working for a company I adore, there is the occasional stirring in my heart to be back in a traveling community chasing after Jesus. And so became loose dreams of seeing more of the world with people I love. And after sitting in the space of dreaming and praying about it, I felt like God was giving me the green light to go. But not with other people.
Solo. Woof.
If you’ve spent any amount of time with me you will know that doing anything solo is probably my least favorite activity. So, when God asked me to take on this trip solo, I am not going to lie to you, I pouted. I pushed back. I started inviting everyone I knew to go with me. Family, friends, friends of friends, anyone I could possibly think of, I invited. And guess what? For the most part, all of those plans with people fell through. Shocking, I know. Turns out God really wants me to do this thing with just Him.
So here I am, preparing for a trip to Europe. I’ve been feeling a lot of things about it lately. And I haven’t shared with many people because I’ve been afraid of being misunderstood by people around me- people who couldn’t fathom how I could be anything but excited for the adventure of a lifetime. But digging deeper into that, I’ve come to realize that it’s more than that. I haven’t bothered to try to be understood because it turns out I’m actually terrified of giving people the power to misunderstand me. Which, is vulnerability to it’s core. Yikes. So in an attempt to be as transparent as I can, here are a few of the things I’ve been feeling about this upcoming journey:
FEARFUL. International solo travel for me historically has not gone well (The last time it happened, I got stuck in Rwanda. That’s a long story..) and I’m terrified to try again. I’m fearful that I’ll miss a flight, mess up a hostel booking, but more than that, I’m afraid of leaving again. I’m afraid of all of the milestones and memories that are a part of life that I will miss while taking this step in obedience. And if I’m going to be honest, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of missing out on another Father’s Day with my dad, of missing out on the birth of another nephew. I’m afraid of missing out on opportunities to cultivate depth to relationships that have just begun.
FRUSTRATED. Probably the last thing you thought would make the list. But it’s been the toughest to work through. And probably the last thing I want to talk about. This has less to do with the trip and more about life. Growing up, I always pictured myself at this age to be married, having kids, and teaching living in a home in some suburban community. That is definitely not where I am currently. And although I am satisfied and thankful that my journey has been carved out in the most beautiful and unique way, there are still moments where I find myself desiring that life. Especially when social media is full of engagements, weddings, and pregnancy announcements. On great days, I celebrate their incredibly special milestones. On not so great ones, I find myself envying them- wishing to exchange this life for another one. One filled with a husband and babies of my own. This trip to Europe has weirdly brought that tension to the surface. It is something that I will have to continue to reconcile in my own heart while I walk through this journey and afterwards.
EXPECTANT. Can I just say, I AM SO AMPED!! I absolutely love meeting new people and being immersed in cultures that aren’t my own. Europe has been a place that I have never yet experienced. Gosh I can’t wait to take a Harry Potter tour in London and to walk the beautiful streets of Barcelona and to go everywhere in between. I’m so excited to grow during this time too- to figure out who I am and to start making steps in independence. But the thing that I am the most excited about the ways that God is going to move. When I was traveling on the World Race, I was able to see for the first time the power of the Lord as we lived each day with open hands and a relatively free schedule. While in Europe, I have very few concrete plans and am intentionally creating a space to be Spirit led. I expect the Lord to show up in some really big ways and absolutely am stoked to see what those are. It’s going to be so great!
Phew! That’s a lot. If you’re still reading this, you are a champion. That’s a lot of words and feelings. But I believe that in order to cultivate a community that is willing to talk about the hard things, that I need to be willing to be someone who walks in that. I would love to meet up with you to talk about where you’re at too! Until that sweet reunion, my prayer for you is that you would continue to press into spaces to engage in conversation with your community. Sending much love your way!
