This is a blog I wrote in July while we were in Africa, but decided not to post until now. It’s perhaps the most real thing I’ve written this year.
“Last September I was ‘supposed to’ start my MBA program to be a CEO. I would have just finished my first year of Grad School. Now I’m farming in Botswana.”
That’s a conversation I had with Kristen as we were raking grass on a farm in Botswana last month.
I realized something last debrief. The newness has worn off. I’m tired of living out of a pack. I’m tried of having to repack that pack 7 times a month because we move so much. I’m tired of being dirty and smelling bad, and not getting any alone time, and dealing with all the bugs. I miss my family. I miss the gym. I miss the comforts of home, and being able to eat whatever I want, and being able to get in a car and just go somewhere. I miss watching sports and going to games and my overall freedom. It’s month 7, and honestly, I’m surprised that it took me this long to get to this point.
Before I came on the Race, I was building the life I always dreamed of living. I had a college degree, was volunteering with the youth in church, had an awesome job working for the sports team I grew up loving, an offer for free tuition to get my MBA, and aspired to become a successful CEO. Yes, by the world’s standards I was well on my way to achieving “The American Dream.” It was everything I wanted.
Was it?
What I realize now is that I seeking myself, and so consumed in status, popularity, and what others thought of me that I didn’t even know who I was.
God was calling me to something different. What I was doing was not necessarily bad, but what I achieved in those things was not want He desired for me. He wanted me to find my identity in Him. Humility? C.S. Lewis says that humility is the thing that turns most people off from Christianity. Denying one’s self to live for Christ, goes against the “American way” and everything we’ve been taught. It’s also the thing that many Christians battle with their entire lives. Not being their own masters, but having a master and a judge. But no, I wasn’t the one who needed humility. I go to church. I help the poor. I sponsor a Compassion child and I work with orphans. I’m a nice person. And on top of that, I’m giving up everything to “save the world” this year. Surely I have no pride.
“What God? You want me to go camping in the bush of Africa? To give up my hair starightener, and polos, and UGG boots? To live in a tent? To serve the homeless, and hang out with prostitutes, and hold the hand of the dying? To die to myself so you can live through me? Sorry Lord. I don’t need that. I’m doing fine.”
Yes, Humility. He wanted to strip me of all that I was, and replace me with all that is Him. So, am I great for going on this trip and “helping people all over the world?” No. I don’t think so. Because you can’t call it a sacrifice when you gain so much more.
Has this year been easy? No. Definitely not. I’ve been stripped of every worldly comfort that I’ve ever known. I’ve had to live with six people who I didn’t know and who sometimes get on my nerves (but I love them), share everything I have with them, and on top of that lead them through this crazy adventure. But has this year been good? Yes. Definitely yes. I have a confidence of my true identity, and eyes to see past myself and onto a world that is so broken and depraved of anything pure. I’m wrecked for the ordinary.
This has been a refining year for me, and once you’ve been brought through the fires you can’t go back. You can’t run from the mighty hand of God. When He calls you out, He calls with a fire and a passion. The questions is: are you ready to answer?
