I had a minor panic attack this week while I was at the gym, shocker I know. This whole week, every time I thought about just how much time I have left before training camp and launch, I would literally have Europe’s Its the final countdown playing in my head. I think it’s like 26-ish days until training camp, and I want to say like 70-ish for launch. I know it’s not the final final countdown just yet, but instead of coming home after training camp, I will be gone up until 4 days before launch. So for me, yeah, it does feel like the final countdown has begun. And of course it freaks me out.
I was at the gym, stretching, when a friend started to text me, and right there in the middle of the blue mats, I started to cry uncontrollably. Luckily for me, it was around 10:15 at night so not really anyone was there to witness my version of “hot blubbering ball of mess”. Don’t get me wrong, I am crazy stoked for this opportunity, but with the time frame being what it is now, I have been sooo stressed. This upcoming week, I will put in my two weeks notice to quit my job. I know I complain about my job somtimes because I have to get up way early and at times it’s not the most glamorous of occupations (I work in a care facility for developmentally disabled adults,and it’s full care). But in the end, I love my clients and so badly wish I could interview, hire, and train my replacement, but that is just not how this cookie is going to crumble. I also have 3 1/2 weeks left of school, and as a result have gone in full procrastination mode. Also spiritual attacks right now, they really make everything else so much harder, leaving me this week running low on energy and choosing something else over time with my Jesus. Oh also I got a gnarly stomach virus this week that wrecked me. So yes, I cried like a baby in the middle of the gym this week.
It’s easy to say and to assume that this week, I have not been joyful.
Friday is my day off, but nonetheless I still woke up at 6:20 when my internal alarm clock went off and I just laid in bed thinking. Eventually I grabbed my phone and saw that AIM had sent out an email about the featured blog titled For Future Racers, so I opened the link and started reading. One of the points that the author made was that the time leading up launch, sure it’s hard and stressful, is also a joyous time. It’s a time to see God’s plan and provision blow our minds, it’s a time where the preparing should be joyous because it’s preparing us for something that is completely not about ourselves. It should be joyous because it it a time where we get to see God’s promises for each of our lives for this season come about.
Again, this week, I have not been joyful. I have not chosen joy.
After I read the blog this morning, I decided that what I really needed was a change of perspective. I needed to be reminded what it was to have joy in the Lord and in all circumstances. So I went to the book of joy, Philippians.
Chances are the more that you get to know me, you’ll hear me say that “control is an illusion”, and I honestly believe that. Think about it, you don’t even have control over when you will take your next breath or not to blink. One of the reasons I freaked out at the gym was because I was telling my friend that I have never felt more out of control in this process. I have absolutely no say how I will get to launch, I have no control of how my fundraisers will go in the future, or how I the $16,000 needed for this trip will come in. That was a scary thing to realize let alone say out loud (via text). I found answers and comfort this moring in Philippians.
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work our your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” 2:12-13
“we have no control what God works out in us–>for his good pleasure”, this is the literal note that I made in my bible above the verses. This verse stung a little at first, because I honestly thought, “why not according to my good pleasure”, I know, I am human. As I thought about it, I realized why, because if it was according to my own will, how fleeting that joy would be. How destructive and unhelpful it would be.
“Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen” Hebrews 13:20-21
Our God is faithful, he is not going to work something out in us to leave the work half-done. He is faithful to finish the work that he has laid out in front of us. Not only that, but he will then equip us to do his will. Whatever it is that we will need in order to do what he desires us to do for the kingdom, he will provide. There is peace in knowing that the one backing us, is the one who has control, and we just need to remain obedient, and in that obedience, joy will come. True, everlasting joy.
