a couple of mornings ago, I woke up with my brain on overdrive. it was almost as if she had geared up before I was even awake, so that when I became conscious she would be able to bury me in anxiety as soon as possible.
immediately the questions started running through my head:
"when am I going to get immunizations?"
"how about anti-malarial meds?"
"should I talk to my doctor about mood stabilizers?"
"how am I going to afford a mess kit?"
"when should I get my tent ordered?"
"why does it seem that hardly anyone else cares about this trip?"
"when is my next paycheck?"
"…do I have to get out of bed today?"
as I lay there under the barrage of thoughts, I heard another voice.
"Hey…what are you doing?"
He knew perfectly well what I was doing. I think He was trying to draw my attention to it.
then, suddenly, I wasn't in bed anymore.
I was standing in a grove of trees, under a crystal clear blue sky, surrounded by tall grass.
and He was standing right next to me.
"What are you doing?" the question was at once startling and soothing.
He pulled me into His arms and I sighed. "Worrying…"
and then neither of us said a word. the sin was acknowledged, the grace given…there was nothing left to say(and He is a Man of few words.)
we stood like this for a long time, Him holding me, me holding on for dear life.
the questions running through my head change every day. He provides, and so I move on to the next set of worries. WHY do I do that?? it is sin, plain and simple.
I look back on the things I was worried about a week ago, and I see how He provided, and I am shamed. despite my anxiety, my stubborn subconcious refusal to trust…He provides.
He PROVIDES.
He nurtures.
He tends my soul and grows me into maturity while I squirm and gripe.
now, more than ever, I am certain that He is calling me to this trip. in the past week, I have seen Him provide everything from a tent, to gas money, to odd jobs, to support from people that I hardly know.
Oh, me of little faith. always forgetting the great Heart of the One who has brought me this far.
today, I remember.
and I bless His Name.
