There’s a man sleeping next to me…

Ready to read some uncomfortable stuff? if not, that's okay. but If you're up to hearing my heart, please read on.

My squad and I are in Brasov, Romania for our month 6 debrief. This town looks like something out of a Thomas Kinkaide painting. The scenery, the architecture, even the food speaks my language-a language that I didn't even know I had!! It's touched something deep inside me that I didn't know existed-but God did. He knows me so well.

that's not to say it's all been cappuccinos and croissants and castles walks in the town square. First things first, there's an elderly man that sleeps in the bed next to mine at our hostel. He doesn't sleep there at night, but he crawls into bed at around 5 AM every day, which means I wake up to him there. Kinda awkward and definitely out of my comfort zone, but I'm learning to be okay with it.

Also, my team had our debrief a couple of days ago, and it was really rough on me. It brought up a bunch of my sin and a bunch of my wounds, and I found myself running from the room as soon as it was over. Fortunately, I have an incredible friend on our squad who was able to take me aside and love on me for a little while. Walking through the streets of Brasov, drinking chai, and verbally processing (word vomiting) while my sweet friend gave me the grace to hear past my words and into my heart was just what my weary soul needed.

The lesson that God has been teaching me (experientially) lately is twofold; loving who I don't love, and loving who doesn't love me. On top of this, dying to my reputation has been huge. I've had to deal with the fact that people will think badly of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I was a bawling mess in our debrief while the rest of my team seemed to have it pretty well together, and I knew that I wasn't presenting myself well OR being presented well….or even accurately. Again, something I have to deal with.

Here's the thing…I'm used to people liking me. I'm used to them thinking I'm great and fun to be around. I'm used to ignoring people who don't think I'm that great and avoiding people who I'm not fond of. I'm used to being a bawling mess…when I'm not around others.

I'm not used to community. I'm not used to people seeing me as less spiritual and less mature and more broken than they are. I'm not used to putting my mess on display and giving people the opportunity not to love me. And I am NOT used to unconditionally loving people who don't love me back.

I usually run from all of these things, because they hurt. They're uncomfortable. They mean that people might not see the best in me. They might choose to see the worst. They might choose not to see my potential or my gifts, which means they might choose not to promote me or ever give me the chance to be more than how they see me.