the Third (and FINAL) installment of this series on the lie of rejection.
(forgive me for the length of part 3, I didn’t want to go all “Twilight” on you and break it up into two MORE blogs)
The next day, Training Camp finally got too difficult for me (which I had been waiting for all week). Events transpired that sucked the peppy, sunshiny, upbeat attitude right out of me.
Then and there, with the loving acceptance of Jesus fresh in my mind, I decided I had nothing to prove to anyone. If who I was wasn’t enough for what they were looking for, then so be it.
And then, it wasn’t.
Let me be clear…I’m not a leader. I never have been. I’m not assertive. People don’t listen to me. I don’t stand out in a crowd. I don’t have that “thing” that people like my little sister have (who, incidentally, is an RA fresh into her sophomore year at college. Congratulations, Kathryn!)
(Kathryn is the gray sweater in the back row.)
However, there’s something in me-just as I feel there’s something in EVERYONE…that wants to be asked. JUST ONCE. Noticed. Called out for something greater than what you see in yourself. Affirmed. Something that wants to shine.
When these desires go unmet, it can get ugly. When it happened to me, I hid.
I sat in a dark room with God, my headlamp, and a pen. Together, we started opening up my old wounds, and infection poured forth onto the pages of my journal.
“I want to be invisible. To shut down and shut out because this-this rejection, this seething jealousy, this crippling fear-it’s too much…..my heart has been drawn out by love, and then wounded by…..
Disappointment. Unmet expectations. Unfulfilled dreams. “You are not important, not noticeable. You are one of the many and you did not stand out. You never do. We’ve chosen the strong, the mature, the wise, and you’re on your own.””
I kept having flashbacks to last summer. Would this be the same thing all over? Was I to be ignored, left out, on the outside looking in, watching the favored receive special treatment while I picked at scraps of love and acceptance off of the floor?
Somehow, Jesus was able to speak to me in the middle of all this (even though I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to listen to Him, being the traitor that I felt He was). ALL WEEK, I had been telling Him, “I just want to serve the best that I can.” I assumed that being a leader was the best way to do this. After I wasn’t chosen, He reminded me of what I had said. “You want to serve Me…you want to serve others…then DO IT. You serve. This is YOUR CALLING.”
then, something clicked inside my brain AND my heart…at the same time. I realized that of all the things I was trying SO HARD to be…being a servant wasn’t something I had to work at. He’s blessed me with this immense joy in serving others. Whether it’s cleaning up after meals, setting up tents, picking up garbage, cleaning out toilets…being able to bless is a blessing.
On one of the last nights, the same girl who had already prophesied over me twice ended up in front of me for the third time(just call me the prophecy hog). She shared this vision she’d had of me:
“I saw you disappearing. Your feet went first, and then all the way up until all that was left was your head, and I stopped the vision. God said, ‘Let Me finish,’ and I said, ‘No! I don’t want her to disappear. I don’t want her to feel invisible.”
(Tears at this point, because if I was feeling anything that particular night, it was invisible.)
“And He said, ‘I’m not going to make her invisible. I’m going to erase everything that she thinks is her identity. I’m going to give her new eyes, new ears, a new mouth, a new heart.”
This new identity…I’m not entirely certain of what it will be…but it will start with knowing that He has chosen this path for me. That my World Race experience, though it might not be what I was hoping for, will be absolutely EVERYTHING that He has planned for me…Knowing that my joy will not be found in leading, but in serving, by going lower and lower to lift Him-and my squadmates-up. Above all, TRUSTING His sovereignty, His grace, His wisdom…and knowing that whatever my identity is, it is NOT found in what they see (or don’t see) in me, but what He sees.
Am I saying that I’m going to be awesome at it? Definitely not. (Pray for my sweet Team Leader. An obedient, submissive attitude does not come naturally to me, and she's going to have enough to deal with without this madness.)
in closing, I just want to encourage anyone going through a similar struggle. Let me speak over you what was spoken over me.
He loves you.
You are ENOUGH.
Your identity is in Him, not in who or what you think you are…or aren’t.
you are not disqualified from ANYTHING HE HAS FOR YOU.
You are NOT rejected. He just has something different in mind.
And I promise…looking back on it…you’re not going to want it any other way.
