caught your attention, didn't it?
really though, what follows here is a mangled mess of sin and confession, transparency and redemption. it is ugly, and it is truth, and if you aren't ready for it, then I suggest you close the window, because the skeletons are coming out of the closet. my prayer for this is that my transparency will help someone who is struggling with any of the things that I've been struggling with. I wrote this last night without the intention of making it public. however, if it will encourage someone(anyone)then this is a necessary risk.
this past week has been…rough, for lack of a better word. circumstances fluctuated from hour to hour almost constantly. one moment, I was rejoicing over being ten percent funded for my trip. the next, I was resisting disappointment when a date fell through for a planned fundraiser. then, rejoicing that a speaking engagement at a local alternative school went so well. then, fighting discouragement when no one seemed to be answering their phones or returning calls to answer questions that were most pressing. then rejoicing over a local Youth Pastor wanting me to come and speak to the youth at his church. then, fighting back tears over a local worship pastor who told me no, they wouldn't be able to allow me to speak at their upcoming event. meanwhile, I had two children in the back of my car who wanted to know, "where are we going next? I'm bored."
my heart has felt incredibly exposed this week. especially today. it takes a lot for me to go out on a limb and ask anyone for support of any kind. I hate "support-raising" for this very reason. it puts my heart out there for all sorts of rejection (which I do NOT handle well.) I would pray for thicker skin if this didn't feel like it's exactly where God wants me. maybe He's developing boldness in me(I don't feel any bolder. insert rock-related joke here.) I do know that old wounds are resurfacing, and I feel…exposed. and this is where He met me today.
I went to my room as soon as I got home. popped in a worship cd, collapsed into my giant beanbag chair, and started to write.
"weak, I am so weak.
how desperately I need You, yet how cruelly I resist You….
I feel vulnerable and open and…naked."
and then, no sooner were the words on the paper, than an image flashed into my mind. of a bride on her wedding night. she was beautiful, but ashamed. ashamed at the thought of being so exposed to the man she loved. could he really see her, all of her, and still want her?
what came out onto the paper next made me blush and squirm and cry and wish for wholeness, wish for purity, for safety. and here is why I don't dare make this public, not now.
I was misused growing up. parts of my body were taken by force in the hands of men seeking their own selfish gratification. because of the abuse, it's taken me years to accept any thought of intimacy as acceptable. I honestly felt that, even between a husband and wife, such acts were disgusting and contemptible and I never wanted anything to do with them.
at the same time, I put God into the safe little box of "Father," Where He willingly met me for years. He knew my heart needed this, the Father that He is to the fatherless. He loved and nurtured and grew me, was there as I fell in love with a young man only to be rejected, and used the experience to show me what else He offered. He offered me the kind of love a bridegroom has for his beloved bride. and tentatively, shyly…I accepted His proposal. in no way did I consider all the implications this new facet of our relationship would have. I only knew that He was utterly trustworthy.
so, all this time, I have professed my undying love for my Love, but always maintaining some sense of distance, even while begging for closeness. independence, while pleading for oneness with Him. not wanting to 'need' Him too much, but wanting Him to fill my needs.
and little by little….He has been chipping away at the walls I've built up in an attempt to protect myself. He has been gently mending my heart, while calling it out. "Don't you want more than this?"
back to the bride. for the first little bit, all I saw was her face, beautiful but covered in shame. She's me, I knew that much, and I was seeing her through His eyes. petrified of exposure before the one who loves her most. but then He expanded the visual so I could see the rest of her. She was wearing white.
She is wearing white.
and the epiphany came faster than my pen could capture it.
"but isn't it in my brokeness, in my vulnerability, in my spiritual weakness/nakedness, that You bless me with the most Sacred intimacy, oneness with Holy God? your fullness fills my emptiness, your perfection covers my imperfection, and all that You are fills the space in me that only You can fill."
and the more I realize my need of Him, the more joy abounds when I encounter Him. the more vulnerable I can allow myself to be before Him, the greater my relief when I realize He loves me for all that I am, ugly and broken and redeemed. I cannot know Him more fully unless I allow Him to fully know me. when I stand before Him, bare and barren, naked and empty, He fills me and clothes me with His own white robes.
so much more I wish I could articulate about this(as if I haven't already said too much).
in awe of the Lover who meets me where I am.
Isaiah 54:4-5
Song of Songs 2:14
Isaiah 1:18
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