right before leaving the Philippines for India, one of my squadmates asked me for my copy of "One Thousand gifts" by Ann Voskamp. happy to loan it out (as I want EVERYONE to read it) I asked the girl who had it last if I could get it from her. "Oh, I don't have it. we left it at the airport in China."
WHAT????????
MY One thousand gifts? my book that I took to Africa with me and highlighted and underlined every page? my book that I loved so much, I bought a kindle version so that I could keep reading it while other people read my hard copy? you left it in China?
"How much is your joy worth?"
after an all-night bus ride, I squad arrived at our ministry location in Andrah Pradesh, India. while most of my squadmates looked for a couch to nap/crash on, I pulled out my kindle to catch up on some reading(and maybe update my Facebook status so everyone would know we had made it safely.) imagine my utter horror when I switched on my screen to see this:
I don't think I even comprehended at first. I may have switched it on and off a few times just to be sure that this had actually happened. not my kindle. anything but this, my last birthday present before I lstarted the Race and my constant companion since I left home…really, God?
"How much is your joy worth?"
a couple of days later, we went shopping for saris. these are a staple as far as indian clothing goes, and our contacts took us to an incredible store to find what we needed. as the rest of my teammates oohed and aahed over their favorite colors/fabrics, I sheepishly asked for the cheapest fabric they had to make a panjabi(a plainer, more work-friendly item of clothing). as we rode home, I found myself on the verge of tears, wondering why I never seem to have enough.
"How much is your joy worth?"
a few days later, my teammate Raychel got a popsicle from a street vendor. calculating how much I had left and deciding that I had earned a treat for the week, I reached into my purse. to my shock and dismay, 200 rupees were missing from my original 300 (50 rupees=1 American dollar). God, wasn't it bad enough that I only had 300 to last me who knows how long? why take away even the little that I had left?
"How much is your joy worth?"
earlier tonight, my team went to the carnival. I actually hadn't wanted to go, but one of my teammates really wanted us all to be together, so I went along.(this very generous teammate also helped pay for my admission.) we were each given passes into the carnival, good for one ride on each attraction. we passed up the aquarium(which I actually wanted to see), and went instead on the "fun rides." you know, the boat that swings back and forth and goes really high? the ferris wheel that spins at 50 miles an hour? the kind of rides that I just do not happen to enjoy. I passed up most of them, but braved the ferris wheel (bad idea.) needless to say, I got off the ride on the brink of an emotional collapse with everyone wondering, "what the heck just happened to Anna?" an hour later, with the ferris wheel being the only ride I went on, we left the park. I boarded the bus thinking, "that was a waste of time. I wish I hadn't gone."
"How much is your joy worth?"
this still, small question has been niggling at the back of my mind all week. last month the big question was, "how badly do you want it?" when my answer had been, "I still want this," I think God decided to take it a little farther. after all, this life that I want so badly is all about abandonment. the life of a missionary is one of sacrifice. and sure, to you, maybe items like kindles and camel rides and ice cream bars don't seem like sacrifices, but they are very real things that I have had to let go of on this journey towards the heart of God. the closer I get to Him, the less room there seems to be for other objects of my desire. one by one, He removes these trinkets that I think hold my happiness and He asks, "How much is your joy worth?
"I bought your everlasting joy with my life. will you now give it away for 200 rupees? for an electronic book? for events that don't go the way you wanted?"
How much is it worth? if He thought it worth giving His life for, shouldn't I? is it possible to see these things He takes away not as deprivation, but as an act of love, an invitation to experience Him as the all-sufficient one? can I step out of my box of what is right and fair for a second and believe that my Father is not picking on me, but saving me from myself and my pathetic counterfeit joys (Hosea 2:2-7)?
How much is my joy worth?
Well, it's worth giving up things like kindles and camel rides and ice cream bars. I lay these things at His feet and take up the joy He offers freely-the real joy, the soul-deep kind that isn't tied to what I think I don't have. Joy that comes from dropping my trinkets to pick up a cross(Hebrews 12:2).
What's something you've had to give up in your life? what did God teach you through it?
Thank you for sharing the joy with me!
-Anna
