I feel like God is asking me this question multiple times a day.
Some of you know this…my dream, for a really long time, has been to be an overseas missionary. Maybe “missionary” isn't the right word for it. I wanted to start a nonprofit, adopt a bunch of kids, feed a bunch of people, heal the sick, raise the dead, and win souls for Jesus. Whatever the word for that is…I want to be that.
My hope coming on the World Race was that He would show me a community/country in need (because there is SO much need, all over the world) and tell me where to start.
Welp, He hasn't done that yet. This month, what He has done is throw me into a crash course of what it is exactly that I thought I wanted. In the midst of it all, He's been asking,
“How badly do you want it?”
“When you're up in the nursery all night, stepping in poop and rice and cleaning up after the dinner apocalypse and your babies are turning the shower into a water park, and when you're up at three in the morning giving an abandoned five-month-old a bottle, do you still want it?”
“When you're up the second night in a row with fever and delirium and nausea and a parasite that is turning your body inside-out, do you still want it?”
“When the rest of your team is going out to the mall and the movies and to dinner and getting massages, and you can't go anywhere because you're broke, do you still want it?”
“When your clothes are mildewed and your hair is greasy and your body is dirty, do you still want it?”
“When you're missing two meals a day and can't get enough sleep, do you still want it?”
“When people attack your motives for wanting to go out into the world for Me, do you still want it?”
“When community isn't what you hoped it would be, do you still want it?”
and here's my answer.
if I contract a parasite in every country between here and America…if no one understands me and no one wants to support me and I go home early…if by the grace of God the money gets raised and the next seven months hold more pain than relief…if I go without clean clothes and hygiene products and snickers bars and days out with my team…
I still want this. The trials in themselves are worth it; God is teaching me so much through them. Even more than that, though…the joy these months have held is indescribable. When I look back on this year, I'll see the lessons learned from parasites and sleepless nights…AND I'll see the joy.
I'll see little filipino kids running down the street and yelling, “Hi! I love you! I love you!”
I'll see community at its best, in sisters and brothers coming alongside and loving me the way they love themselves.
I'll see snuggles with babies and feeding hungry tummies.
I'll see the tear-filled eyes of my newfound Chinese friend as one of my teammates hands her a bible.
I'll see snapshots of joy and grief, tears and laughter.
I'll see Jesus.
I want this because He wants it for me.
Do I want it for the rest of my life? I actually don't know anymore. But I know that if HE wants it for me, I will grow to want it more than anything.
And it'll be worth it.
If YOU want to help me finish the Race, no matter what it may hold, please consider giving a one-time gift. I have one month to raise $2,700, and every bit helps. Thank you. <3
Love, Anna
