Desire.

due to past wounds recieved from people and events, somewhere along the line I learned to shut my heart off. I somehow convinced myself, at least subconsciously, that I was never going to have what I wanted, so I may as well not want…anything. after all, that's what Psalm 23 says, right? "I shall not want…"

and then the idea of Africa came along…and I was stunned into near terrified paralysis at the fire that leapt up in my heart. "really? a missionary? to Africa? could I really?"
after 9 months of planning, fundraising, and staying on top of/obessing over every little detail, I got on a plane to Johannesburg, South Africa…and my life was blown apart, turned upside down, rearranged…for good.

looking back on the planning that led up to my trip, I wonder…how much room did I leave for God to move? did I get so busy with organizing and planning and fundraising that I left Him out of it? did I exert so much energy obsessing over every little detail that I didn't give Him enough opportunity to come through for me?

don't get me wrong…I KNOW it would not have been possible without Him moving on my behalf. but to people on the outside looking in, it wasn't exactly miraculous. a girl with a steady income set out to raise 7,000 dollars in 9 months. the trip cost was raised before even half of it was needed. I was ahead of the game, all the way through. I was all in, all the time. I was on top of things. I was comfortable.

I want this more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

more than I wanted Africa, even. more than I ever wanted to be a wife or a mother or a famous singer(ten year olds can dream BIG).
I want this.
and it scares me.
it scares me because I don't have control over whether it happens or not.
it scares me because no matter how much obsessing I do, I cannot obsess enough to fit everything into my circle of stress.
it scares me because, even if I'm all in, all the time…it is not humanly possible for me to be on top of things or ahead of the game.
not this time.
it could have been. if I had found out about this trip right after I got off the plane in America last year…there might have been a chance.
but God didn't let it happen that way.
so…then what? do I cower, rein my heart in and chain it up for fear that what I so desperately want won't happen?
or do I trust that God really HAS called me to this and that He will provide regardless?
OR.
or.
What if He chooses not to reassure me this time, and I just keep moving forward until He closes the door?
what if I get right down to the wire…believe that He will come through….and then….
and then, what?
at this point, I believe it could go either way.
He could provide, miraculously, amazingly…
Or He could tell me, "not this time, darling."
tears fill my eyes at the very thought.
again, I want this.
I want to live in  community. I want to know and be known and called out to live for a greater purpose.
I want to cuddle orphans and pray over widows and kiss the dirty faces of little indian children.
I want this Route. South Africa, the Philippines, China, India…there is no other route like this one. there is no other team like the one I'm already coming to know so well through facebook. already we love each other, pray for each other, support and encourage and advise each other.
this is it.
I feel helpless, and I hate it.
not being in control kills me.
I may not be entirely certain of what to do…but I do know one thing I can do.
I can put Him first.
I'm afraid that ever since I started planning for this trip, it's come before Him.
I can't imagine how that grieves Him.
So, I can slow down. put down the to-do list(that I'll never completely check off anyways.)
and sit at His feet for a weekend.
or longer, if that's what it takes.
I can desire Him above all things, because I know that's one desire that will never go unfulfilled.
ahh, so that's what the Psalmist meant. 

"The Lord is my Shepherd…I shall not want."