the last couple of weeks have been a lesson in reconciliation for me.
they've also been a lesson in burned bridges.
I learned that sometimes it's best not to speak, rather than fill an awkward silence with careless words.
I learned that even though God's grace is sufficient, it doesn't always rebuild burned bridges…even between believers.
some bridges aren't meant to be rebuilt, I suppose. even if grace and forgiveness is extended, trust isn't always possible after such damage.
I hurt three precious hearts, two in an attempt to protect my own, and one in a moment of careless thought. in my efforts to make amends, one responded with an overwhelming amount of grace and forgiveness. one responded with minor irritation that ended in forgiveness(I think?). one never responded.
it's been a rough couple of weeks, and tonight revealed yet ANOTHER heart that had been damaged by yours truly. not on purpose, of course, and not at all recently.
I saw her in the checkout line tonight. an old face from high school, once a dear friend. she looked right at me. through me. I recognized her, and attempted to ask how things were going, but there were people right behind me. She was polite, proffessional, abruptly so. she handed me my receipt and I managed a small "thank you," accompanied by the nickname I used to call her in high school. I wonder if she heard. I know she recognized me. we had been the best of friends not three years ago. but her face…I'll never forget the way she looked at me tonight. I won't go into detail, but I can safely say I wronged this girl. not intentionally, but I wasn't careful not to hurt her, either. I was too selfish for that. and here's the kicker…she's not a believer.
at the very least, my actions have hurt people's hearts. at worst, they may have cost one girl the opportunity of meeting Jesus.
my heart can't handle the crushing weight of what I have done. I think of my Jesus on the cross, bearing the brunt of my careless words, my thoughtless actions, my sins against others, and I think, "why did you bother for me? how can you possibly love me that much? why don't you save your love for the people I've hurt and just forget about me?"
and the answer comes through the Spirit and sinks into my anguished heart.
"That is not what grace does."
I have been extended grace by the One who was less obligated to give it than anyone else.
by His inflammable bridge of grace that reaches across the volcanic chasm of my sin…I kneel in the ashes of my bridges and build altars from the broken pieces. I sacrifice my every regret, my shame, my broken heart, watch the fire fall from heaven and consume every bit of self-loathing. He has not despised my sacrifice or disdained my offering, pitiful as it is.
He loves me.
this Grace is the greatest of all.
