can I say that? am I allowed?
cause it does.
When I applied for the World Race, I had this idea, a vision if you will, of me bringing Jesus to the nations. I imagined seeing healings, resurrections, miracles, and thousands of salvations. I envisioned feeding hungry babies, sitting and sharing stories with widows, hugging orphans and pouring myself out with the joy of Jesus written all over my countenance. I saw myself praying with people, serving and loving and giving everything with reckless abandon and pure excitement. I saw myself becoming a mighty woman of God (and maybe picking up a few cool spiritual gifts along the way.)
I'll tell you what I didn't see.
I didn't see me uncovering wounds within myself that have been hiding for years. I didn't see me crying multiple times a week because a word from a teammate revealed yet ANOTHER sin issue in me. I didn't see having to be vulnerable to the point of embarassment and letting people come alongside me in my pain.
I didn't think it would have anything to do with me.
However, this is the way God works. You can only bring as much healing into the world as what you're carrying with you. I tried to talk my way out of it at first.
"Come on, Jesus. really. We can deal with my heart stuff after the Race. there are hurting people who need me to be there for them TODAY. We don't have time for this. it's inconvenient. let's not go there."
"…Please?"
Instead of heeding my wishes to "not go there," He taught me something.
He taught me that this World Race thing is just as much about what He's doing in me as what He's doing through me. He showed me that transformation will not happen without digging up the crap, staring it in the face, and dealing with it. He taught me that sanctification is a long, messy process…and that He acually enjoys it.
God's word tells me that He is working to reconcile ALL things, redeem ALL things, restore ALL things (Colossians 1:19-20). for some reason, I never took into account that my heart was included in "all things."
It is. And apparently beautiful things like reconciliation, redemption and restoration require ugly things like brokenness, vulnerability, and weakness. They're all part of this thing-this crazy thing-that World Racers call "the process." at this point in my process, I'm processing a lot of stuff. in fact, God told me to fast from words for 3 days so I could process without the interruption of actually conversing with people. It's not been fun for me. I like to talk. but it's been revealing, and I'm learning how words can actually hinder my growth. sounds crazy, right? I'll write another blog to extrapolate on it, but trust me. I needed this.
Wow, that feels good to say.
I needed this. This trip around the World, this time spent in community with people who really love me, this safe place to break and to heal. He knew I needed it. He saw what I couldn't see-I was dying without this.
don't get me wrong-I still don't think this trip is about me. it's to bring Jesus to the nations. it's to show His love to people who have never met Him. I've heard it said like this:
"Missions is taking your love affair with God on the road."
I have noticed this, though; the more healing He brings to this heart, the more I love Him. The more I love Him, the better I can love others and let Him love them through me.
And together, we can move forward in this process of reconciling the world.
