Zambia, Africa. It’s here folks. The last country of this crazy nine month trip. To say that my emotions are mixed about being in month seven would be a drastic understatement. They bounce around on a second by second basis. This is what I know and am holding onto: God is good. He is my father, and in the last three months, I have fallen head over heels in love with Him. One of my prayers in Thailand was for God to reveal His fatherly heart. I needed to know him, not simply facts or theological issues. Those are important, but my mind had a lot of those down. I could confidently tell you that God is holy and just and loving and righteous and incomprehensible. Those words have rolled off my tongue like butter since my sunday school days. I could say it without a pause or second thought, “God is love.”
I think it was a problem I could say those things so flippantly. It was so normal I didn’t even think twice.
Those truths about God hadn’t sunk deep into the recesses of my heart. They hadn’t wrecked my life.
Now, they have.
I have seen God clearly these past seven months: In my teammates and their transformed lives. In the beauty of jungle, mountains, waterfalls, and sunsets that literally steal breath from my lungs. In the huge eyes of street children, who timidly smile when you reach out for a high-five. By the way He hears my prayers and answers them in ways I never imagined or even wanted. His patience and relentless pursuit of my heart has opened my eyes to seeing Him in so many new ways, and also to recognizing the brokenness that accompanies a lack of Him and His presence.
The presence of God is something we aren’t meant to live without. It isn’t just for worship, church, or prayer meetings. It is something we are made to dwell in every day. If the Spirit of God is truly inside our bodies, we should feel it. I am not talking just about emotions. Those come and go, but His presence stays. It is a deep down conviction of who God is and who we are in Him. Through the presence of God we receive His power to walk in authority and humility. He also supplies us with the joy and peace we need for that day.
In this presence, I feel my head knowledge wiggle its way down to my heart. The Father loves me. Now, those words literally touch my heart. I have a physical reaction to that sentence. I feel warm inside and a ridiculous grin spreads across my face. I giggle. One of my squad leaders described it as acting like a middle school girl. It’s pretty accurate. When I am in worship and can feel His presence, there is no place I’d rather be.
By knowing my Father’s love I am much more equipped to love those around me. His love is steadfast. It doesn’t waver or change or hesitate. It is relentless and passionate and forgiving, bringing freedom, and providing a rock on which I run back and rest on when I am fighting feelings of rejection or worthlessness.
Roughly sixty days are left before I fly back to the States. I don’t feel prepared. I’m not ready, but at the same time I cannot wait for the next step.
