So, I’m in Ireland, but I feel the need to post two things that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, but never posted… I think I need this to look back on over the year.
7/10/09
When I tell people what I’m doing, they usually tell me something
along the lines of, “Wow. You’re so brave and selfless.” This is interesting
because…
along the lines of, “Wow. You’re so brave and selfless.” This is interesting
because…
1. Bravery…. I live to face my fears… Seriously. I’m afraid of practically everything, so I get the chance alot. Elevators, Mold, Being Alone… I’ve rode one rollercoaster in my life- the
roadrunner at Six Flags: Fiesta Texas. This is the rollercoaster that
the six-year olds go on to feel like big kids. The same six year olds
who were screaming with excitement in the rollercoaster snapshot, while
I was holding my head in my hands. Did I mention I was fifteen?
roadrunner at Six Flags: Fiesta Texas. This is the rollercoaster that
the six-year olds go on to feel like big kids. The same six year olds
who were screaming with excitement in the rollercoaster snapshot, while
I was holding my head in my hands. Did I mention I was fifteen?
This trip terrifies me. The obvious reasons are scary, I guess: lions, parasites, persecution,
but what terrifies me the most is seeing the pain in other people. I
fear looking into the eyes of that four year old who has lost his
family to the disease that will most likely kill him. Or that twelve
year old who has been raped and sold by her own family.When I read
about rape in the newspaper, I want to cry and vomit at the same time.
When someone dies in a movie, I have been known to weep for hours. I
but what terrifies me the most is seeing the pain in other people. I
fear looking into the eyes of that four year old who has lost his
family to the disease that will most likely kill him. Or that twelve
year old who has been raped and sold by her own family.When I read
about rape in the newspaper, I want to cry and vomit at the same time.
When someone dies in a movie, I have been known to weep for hours. I
am terrified of how broken I’m going to be.
That’s one of my main motivation for going. I refuse to live in fear. I want to be broken for the things that matter in this world.
2. Selfless… Yes. I want to go on this trip to help those in need. I want to love the orphans and the widow, and be used to heal the sick, raise the dead, build the church. But… the real reason I’m going is for myself. I want to be changed. I want to see God move in a way that will forever change me. I want to be so intimate with Him that marriage to a person is an afterthought. I want to know Him, and I want Him to know me.
Have you ever had those times when the presence of God is so thick, and heavy and you’re so… in love with Him… that your heart feels like it’s imploding, yet you feel more whole than you ever have before? When you just get a glimpse of how incredible, and beautiful, and loving He is that it takes you’re breath away? I want more of that. I want to stop thinking so small of Him, and the person He has created me to be. I want to be recklessly abandoned and hopelessly in love with the one who wooed and pursued me after he formed me.
The main motivation for going, I guess you could say, is because I’m selfish.
I asked God if that was bad, because I’m not supposed to be selfish. I think He chuckled. I think He was proud of me. That should be what we live for. Because if we’re living for the good of man, what happens when man fails us? What happens when that orphan dies? Or the widow steals from us? If we live for them, then that is devastating. But, if we live for the Lord, come what may, He is worth it. I want Him first and foremost, and everything that happens be an
overflow.
overflow.
With all that being said, I’m approaching leaving with a heavy heart. I look around at this wonderful community that I have here, and I don’t want to leave. I love Austin. I believe that God has a heart for Austin, and I want to be here with this amazing community. But I want Him more. ALL of Him. Even though my heart breaks to leave… as I was crying about it in the banana stand (no customers, I promise!) I opened up my Bible and found this verse—
Matt. 19:29 “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or
mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times
as much and will inherit eternal life. “
mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times
as much and will inherit eternal life. “
Oh He’s so worth it.
