I’m
running, pushing through the thick trees of the forests, the trees
ripping my white dress as they try to stop me. I’m running, barefoot,
my feet cutting and bruising as I crush the rocks under my feet. I’m
running, my sides splitting, my head throbbing. I’m running. I’m
running away.
trip. I fall. My hands slamming into the ground to break my fall, my
lungs gasping for air, trying to push the memory away. “Did I say
it?” I ask no one. “yes.” my mind answers and replays the
scene- walking done the aisle, music playing in the background, “Do
you take this man… do you take this woman….” “I Do. I Do.”
And
then I wake up gasping, covered in sweat. “Again?” I say aloud. I
toss and turn for some time before I’m able to go to sleep, begging
God for a less confusing dream.
This
is my most frequent dream. I’m either about to get married, and I’m
trying to find ways out of it; or, I’ve just gotten married, and I’m
trying to find the way out of it. There are some people who believe
that all dreams have meaning, there are some that believe that none
have meaning. I fall in the middle. I really like dream
interpretation. God spoke to the people in the old and new testament
through dreams all the time, I think he can do it today.
I
mean, it’s probably a good time to speak to us, because we have to
shut up and listen.
During
our debrief last month, I felt like I should ask one of our speakers,
Gerry McGinnis, about this recurring dream.
“Hey,
Garry.”
We make the small introductions and have the typical polite small
talk about Africa and water buffalo, before I begin:
“So…
I have this dream… what do you know about wedding dreams?”
“Oh.
Weddings are nice.”
“Not
this wedding.”
“Oh.
Not this wedding? What does that mean?”
“Well…
I mean the wedding is fine. I mean, really pretty actually.. I’m sure
there’s good food…that’s neither here nor there. um… ” Why
am I such a rambler when I feel uncomfortable?
“Um.,.
Anyways… “
I then tell him about my runaway bride dreams. “I
mean.. I’m no Julia Roberts, you know?…”I
say with an awkward laugh, referencing that weird chick flick ‘The
Runaway Bride.’
Man, that was a bad joke, even for me.
He
gives me a pity chuckle. Nice guy, that Garry.
“Hmm… It could
be about your ministry or the relationships around you. You jumped in
initially… and now… you are wondering what it is you’ve gotten
yourself into.
“Like…
maybe the world race or my team?”I
ask.
“Maybe,”
he said.
I’m
quiet for a minute, thinking about that. I mean… maybe… but… I
don’t feel like that’s really true.
“Okay.
Thanks,” I say, turning to
leave.
“or
maybe… ” He says, ” It’s
your relationship with God?
Something
clicks in my heart, and I turn around to face him.
“Come
again?” I ask.
“That’s
it, isn’t it? I feel it. You thought it would be one way, and it
hasn’t and now… Now you’re not sure about Him and about what you
want from Him, or what He wants from you.”
I
don’t say anything for a minute, my heart racing from the truth that
is convicting it, and then,
“What
do I do about it?” I whisper.
“Pray.
It’s always the answer.”
What
is it with these AIM people and always asking me to pray? I could
have come up with that one myself.
I
smile, murmur a thanks, and go sit down for worship.
Now,
I know that I should pray… so why am I doing everything I can to
avoid praying?
I
start singing a worship song.
Pray.
I
sing even louder.
Pray.
Even
louder.
Pray.
“Oh
alright, fine, God. But… don’t expect me to like what you’re going
to tell me. Or what I’m going to tell you.”
