I
went back to my journal in Israel, when I first had this thought
about ‘The Purple Dinosaur’:
“Why
do I always do this? The biggest pattern in my is running to and from
God. It seems like when I get really close to Him, I run away, I stop
pursuing, or I do something stupid so I can leave and blame myself
for sinning. Sin puts distance between me and God, so when I sin then
I have to spend time in repentance, and then I grovel back to Him,
and spend time trying to get to where I once was.
I
had a thought the other day. Yes, there is a spiritual world, and the
enemy is doing everything he can to keep me from God, but… I think
that I contribute to that far more than I realized.
I
do this thing, with people, where I try not to get too close. Sure, a
few slip in here and there, but I walk with my defenses high. Every
crush that I have ever had that has been returned has ended abruptly
because, once I am sure of their affections, I immediately began to
push them away. I do things, sometimes small and sometimes big, to
make them stop liking me, or to put distance between us. I do this
because… well, I’m not sure why I do this. Maybe I’m scared? That’s
probably it, I suppose. Fear of being known, which is funny because
my greatest fear is being insignificant in someone’s life.
Fear
that once I am known, I will be rejected.
But..
I think.. there’s a different fear. A greater fear that is hard to
explain.
I
think it’s a fear of what could be.
You
see, with God.. I’ve had those moments that have taken my breathe
away. Those moments when I have experienced his love that surpasses
all understanding. Those moments that my heart felt like it was about
to explode. Those moments that… are really unexplainable because
they are so incredible.
You
would think that those moments would create a deeper hunger, a deeper
desire, a deeper willingness to go deeper with God. To want more and
more and more. Sometimes, this is the case in my life.
But
sometimes… it’s just the opposite.
I
just realized that I do with God what I do with every other human on
the planet. I get close enough to see how good something can be, then
I do everything I can to mess it up.
Why
do I do this? I think control might have something to do with it.
Also,
fear that God isn’t as good as He says He is. So long as it is me,
always putting something between us when it gets really good, then I
always have the security in knowing that I was the one who messed it
up.
God
will never fail me, because I won’t let Him.
I
run away, before He does.
It’s
safe, it’s comfortable to go to mud pies. I know what to expect.
And.. when He brings me back out, dust me off, cleans me up… I can
enjoy being clean for awhile.. but then… what if He expects
something of me that I don’t have. Or that I can’t give? It’s easier,
it’s safer… to go back to the mud. Yes, I know it’s nothing like
God, but.. it’s fun in the moment, and… it’s safe.
————–
It’s
like those bimbos that the purple dinosaur goes after. My bimbos
aren’t really physical, but they are just as stupid. ….I run from
God because I’m afraid of what could be.
Colby
says I should ‘Suit up.”
What
happens with God- is something that I do not know.
He
is good, this I know. He is worth it, this I know. But, just because
He is good, doesn’t mean that being with Him always feels good….
What
could God do with a life that is completely surrendered to Him?
And
where do I go from here?
