CHANGE.
January
19th:
I
talked to Hannah, one my dearest friends, on g-chat today. She’s
about to move to England to be a missionary. I asked her, “When do
you think we’ll see each other again?” We have no idea. I can’t
imagine going home and her not being there…
and
then it hit me.
Home
won’t be the same when I get back.
The
city will be there, Hampton will be there, the banana stand will be
there, but… it won’t be the same. Even the people who are still
there will be different. The world didn’t freeze when I left. It kept
turning, and people kept changing.
I
think I’ve changed some… but I can’t really tell. Who will I be
when I get back home? What/where will ‘home’ be?
Change.
Oh Change….
January
21st:
I
told my life story to the team today. When I told it in Romania, I
couldn’t sleep and I freaked out. That always happens when I tell my
story. I began to think that I am more messed up than I act, that one
day, I’m just going to CRACK, because to many things have happened.
In
Brasov, Romania, during our ‘Awakening Conference’, one of the
speakers spoke about a comment his father made, just a simple passing
comment, that caused this guy to hate his father for two years. I
freaked out when I heard that, because, I have those memories when
sentences have stabbed me, and I’m sure they’ve left lasting wounds,
but there was always so much stuff to deal with in my past, that I
didn’t think I could get to it. “It’s like I’m this onion, with too
many layers,” I sobbed to my incredible Coach, Selena Day.
So,
every time I tell my testimony, I am reminded of how many layers I
have, and it, inevitably, freaks me out because I realize that I will
never be able to peel all of those layers.
I didn’t freak out.
and I believe that He has healed me. I was right: there is no way
that I could peel back the layers that almost a decade of abuse have
created. But God can. And He has.
Here’s
the crazy part: that’s that. It doesn’t mean that all of the damage
is completely gone, but it’s manageable, and fading every day, as I
turn my focus away from the past, and to Him. It’s like… being with
him… the things just erode. When I’m lost in Him, I become my true
self.
Today,
I realized for the first time that I am changing on this thing. It’s
only taken half the race for me to realize that.
God
is changing me… God has changed me.
What
a nice surprise.
