I'm a liar. I said I wasn't going to run. I said I was in. But now here I am…running, running, running.
It's Independence Day, and right now, my whole squad is together in Atlanta for a few last days of training before they fly out to Albania. But I'm sitting here in North Carolina trying to figure out how this all went so very, very wrong.
It all started (or ended, I suppose) at Training Camp. Oh, Training Camp. I expected it to challenge me. But I didn't expect it to turn me away. I'm not much of a crowd person. At all. But this was about jumping out of my comfort zone. So bring on the crowd. But what a crowd it was. Let me tell you, these people are awesome. I've never met a group of people who are so instantly welcoming and so quickly feel like long-time friends. So it wasn't the large crowd that got to me. There's also no schedule at Training Camp because there's no schedule on the Race. Expect the unexpected. I can deal with that. Take my tent, take my backpack, take my bathroom. I'll live.
The part that broke me was the spiritual aspect. Based on the training sessions I was at, AIM's beliefs are very different from my own. And as I sat there listening to some of it, I wasn't sure I agreed with it. We learned about praying for healing and then were asked to try it in groups. And I thought, Role play, seriously? I was so incredibly uncomfortable in that moment that I itched to get in my car and drive away. But I stuck it out. I cried, I admitted to my group that I wasn't sure I believed in what we were doing. They were understanding, told me it was okay, and prayed for me. Then they asked me how I felt. I felt like a fraud.
We learned about prophesying. We put our hands on others and prayed. And again, panic set in. I can't prophesy! I believe that Jesus Christ healed people and prophesied for people. I don't believe that I can do it. I believe, as AIM says they do, that it is a spiritual gift, one that not all people possess. I don't think spiritual gifts can be taught. But that was what was happening, and it didn't sit well with me. It was well-intentioned; it was meant to help us carry the Gospel into the world. After all, that's what we were there for.
The last few days of camp were all about team building, and my desire to flee lessened. I got my team, and I was so incredibly thrilled with it. I got the most perfect team I could have hoped for. They suited me. We bonded, we named ourselves team Go'el, and I was in again. That's not to say I didn't want camp to end. I was quite okay seeing the week come to a close. I went home riding high on team perfection and the giddy energy that comes from a week of no sleep. But a couple days later, after a shower and a bit of sleep, I felt a freight train slam into me. And it carried a heavy load of doubt and disbelief.
I talked to pastors, my incredible team, family, and any Christian friend who would listen. What should I do? Could I go on an 11-month mission trip not fully convinced I believed in the things I learned at training camp? In the end, I felt like it would be unfair to me, to my team, and to the people we would be ministering to to be so spiritually unprepared. Everyone has been very supportive of my decision, but that doesn't make it hurt less. I miss my team and my squad. I feel like I'm disappointing donors. But I feel like I did the right thing, like God told me "not yet."
The World Racers I was so lucky to get to know at training camp are going to do great things over the next 11 months as they share the Gospel with the least of these around the world. And I still have a heart for missions. I'm not giving up on that yet. And I'm not ready to give up on AIM. I'm going on a 5 day trip to Puerto Rico with AIM in August, get a taste of what their beliefs look like in the mission field. And maybe one day I'll find my way back to the World Race. But for now, I'll be supporting my team from afar, trying to let go of the disappointment I feel, and studying the Word as I try to make sure my confidence in my religious beliefs is strong. This isn't the beginning of an adventure I was preparing for, but I hope it's not the end either.
I'm sitting here typing this and I can hear the fireworks at the town square and I've got the TV on New York's big show. But I don't feel like celebrating. It doesn't feel like I should. Because after the fireworks celebrating our country were over, I was supposed to leave the country for 11 months. Only now I'm not. And I don't want fireworks for that.
*R Squad, you rock. Team Go'el, I love you all and I miss you already. Thank you for your love and support. I wish it had worked out differently.
