I’m going where?! For how long?! To do what?! And I can only take how many pairs of shoes?!
That’s right, I—the girl who came home all but one weekend my freshman year of college—am going on an 11-month, 11-country mission trip. I—the girl who used to be afraid to lead a prayer with two of my best friends—am going to talk about Jesus with strangers thousands of miles away from home. I—the girl who dislikes even the cleanest of public restrooms—am going on an adventure where the bathroom just might be a hole in the ground. Why?, you might ask.
Well…why not?!
Okay, that’s the short answer. The simplified version of the long answer is because God has put the World Race on my heart. In the name of getting to know each other better, how about we get un-simplified for a minute?
To say 2012 has been a difficult year would be an understatement. The hits started early. In January I got (yet another) job rejection. In February I was denied admission to my top choice grad school. By May grad school choice number two had also turned me down. Then I didn’t get a job I interviewed for–and for which I was one of six finalists. And all during this time, I was growing increasingly frustrated with my job. I kept thinking, How is this my life? I could be doing so much more!
Unfortunately, at that time the belief that I could do more came from a place not of faith but of anger. I was angry that this was all my life was—being lonely, disliking work, and expecting failure.
Finally, by the end of May and beginning of June, I was accepted to grad school. It was also around this time that I began to semi-seriously consider the World Race. And I finally started to think that all these perceived failures were just lessons, stepping-stones, to get me where I truly needed to be. By August, I was pretty sure I was really going to do it. But I was conflicted because I had just committed to grad school too. I decided I’d do one year of grad school and then go on the Race. Things were looking up and moving forward.
So I went through the first semester, all the while thinking about the Race. Before I applied, though, I wanted to tell my grandfather about it and see what he thought. He thought it sounded “like a pretty good trip.” And he pledged his support. I was in. I could do this. I WOULD do this.
I think I started the application in October, but I didn’t finish it until I got an e-mail that my chosen route was filling up fast. I found out for certain that I’d be going—on my first choice route—the day before Thanksgiving. This was perfect because I’d see my entire family the next day. First on my list to tell was, of course, my beloved grandfather (Grandy). I showed him—and the rest of my family—my itinerary, and thought, as much as I’d miss him, how much he’d enjoy (and marvel at) having Skype conversations across the world. Ten days later, Grandy passed away.
CRASH.
My entire world came to a screeching halt. How could this be happening? I’m well aware of the reality of his aging, and yet there was that part of me that thought he’d live forever. And in my heart, he will. I will carry him with me through every country we visit. It won’t be the same, but at least I know he’ll be watching my every step, up in Heaven with my grandmother and my Father, and he will be so proud.
I hold on to that. And I thank God that I had him in my life for the past 26+ years, and that I got to share the excitement of the World Race with him for even that short time. I got to see him, hug him, and tell him I love him the day before he died, and I believe he went Home peacefully and painlessly. Again, I thank God for that.
It’s been almost a month, but somehow it doesn’t feel real yet. I can’t believe I can’t drive up the mountain and have lunch with him. I still think, “Oh, I need to tell Grandy about…” But I don’t. I can’t. So I will carry his memory and his love with me, and I will be better for it. I wouldn’t be who I am without him. I will be eternally grateful.
As much as I wish he wasn’t gone, I look at his last few months and can’t help but be aware of God’s perfect timing. He gave me the nudge I needed to finish my World Race application in time to share it with Grandy. My grandfather got to see everyone on my grandma’s side of the family on Thanksgiving. The day before he died, we had a reunion with his side of the family. And he passed on my grandmother’s birthday and was reunited with her after more than 27 years. God’s timing was right even in the most painful of circumstances.
This wasn’t how I imagined I would begin this blog and this adventure. But if I take anything from this up and very down year, it is patience and trust. I trust that God has a plan for me and that it is happening in His time.
Everything above this paragraph was written before I read my devotion from Jesus Calling yesterday, and after I read it I knew I had to share it with you because it so perfectly aligns with the feelings I have as this year ends.
“I am leading you along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self—the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people. Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me.”
That last sentence encompasses how I’m feeling about the World Race and how I know that it will change me. I’ve never been someone who saw the need for a big New Year’s celebration, I’ll be watching the countdown from my own quiet living room, and I’ve never been a believer in New Year’s resolutions. After all, what really changes between December 31st and January 1st? But as I sit here on this December 31, 2012, I look back and see incredible sadness and loss, but I’m also able to see possibility beyond it. And I find that I am ready to embrace a new year with all that New Year’s Resolution excitement. Because this year, I am finally going to lose myself in God and find the person He has created me to be, and what’s more exciting than that?
So it is with a still heavy but grateful heart that I say goodbye to 2012 and get ready to fully embrace 2013. Happy New Year to you all! I look forward to sharing this journey with you.
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ~Ephesians 2:10
