I held my baby a little longer than usual. I stared at his face, and I noticed the way his fingers wrapped around my thumb. I planted a kiss on his forehead before I laid him under the blankets in his crib. My heart felt tender toward the child I bonded with and cared for the last four weeks, and inside I was crying.
Goodbyes are a constant part of the Race. They’re not always easy. Sometimes they’re down-right a bummer. Other times I don’t care at all. As I put little Sammy to sleep for the last time, I considered many things.
My hardest goodbyes are to my babies. Babies are my safe place, my constant go-to. They need me, and they trust me. Within minutes of holding a baby for the first time, every fiber of my being loves him.
But not so with adults. Only with quality time and lots of emotional investment do I feel actually attached to them. For many years I told myself the lie that I can’t trust people, and I don’t really know how to love people well. I haven’t poured into people unless they happened to be my type or someone I wanted to invest in, because I was afraid I might get hurt and disappointed again. But- God did a ton of work in my heart in the last week or two.
Someone I look up to asked me some questions which brought up some cold, hard truths: Sometimes I hide behind babies, and sometimes I hold them because it saves me from having to do the hard things: hard things such as leading women’s Bible study, or attempting to speak in a language I don’t know (because, surprise- babies don’t care if you speak in unknown tongues.). So that’s a problem. A big problem. Not that it’s wrong for me to love babies, but if it’s my escape from the hard things God is asking me to step into, then it is. So from now on, I will love my babies and hold them every second I can, but if God needs me to do something else that’s harder and more uncomfortable than holding a baby, I’ll do it.
Also, I stopped believing the lies that I don’t know how to love people well and I don’t trust them. Because I do and I can. Now that I’m not believing those lies anymore, I’m not gonna be afraid to do the hard things. I’m not afraid to invest into people. God has asked me to pour out what He has given me, and I’m willing now to do that. He hasn’t given me what I have just to keep it.
Thank you so much for all of your love, prayers, and support. If you want to financially invest into this journey of mine, now is the time. Within the next few days I will be personally funding the last of the final amount needed. $1,232 is all that’s left. What a miracle.
