When I started my race I knew the Lord would take me through a season of change. I expected Him to break my old ways and transform me into the woman He created me to be.
Well, that is exactly what He is doing.
For the past 4 years I have been battling with God. He’s asked me for certain parts of my heart that I’ve held on to, He’s asked me to surrender fears and doubts that I have, He’s asked me to give up parts of my life that I wasn’t made to control nor have all the answers to, He’s asked me to forgive people and let go, He’s asked me to forgive myself and let go, He’s asked me stop holding on to my broken pieces, He’s asked me to give Him my guilt, shame, fear, hurt, anger, jealousy and even my joy and happiness. Every time He asked me for something I had an excuse as to why I needed to keep it.
“Anna give me your broken pieces.”
“But God you can’t fix them.”
“Anna give me your heart.”
“But God you’re not Him.”
“Anna give me your hurt.”
“But God I am still hurting.”
“Anna give me your fear.”
“But God It’s all I know.”
“Anna give me your happiness.”
“But God It’s my happiness.”
The List goes on and the excuses go on. In my walk with Christ I kept feeling like I would get to a point and not be able to go any further. I felt as if roadblocks kept getting put in my way and I did not know how to get over them. In my mind I was doing everything right, as if my relationship with God depended on works. I knew it didn’t, but in my mind I was reading the word, praying, not just going to church and youth group but loving church and youth group. I was invested in God, so why was I hitting so many roadblocks?
?“Well obviously God doesn’t want me to go any further.” I kept telling myself.
Which was a lie.
All the while God was just asking me to surrender it all. Everything I kept holding on to and everything I kept hiding. He wanted it all. He wanted me to realise that there is freedom in letting go. He wanted me to want Him to change me. He was waiting for me to say, “God here are my broken pieces, here is my fear, here is my hurt, here is my joy.” He wanted me to want to give Him my all.
God can only change us if we want to be changed, He can only fix us if we want to be fixed, He can only help us if we ask and He can only heal us if we are willing to let Him touch the pain.
I have come to a point where I can’t hold it all anymore, I have realised that holding on to it all is the roadblock I keep hitting. The only thing hindering my relationship with Christ is my own self. By holding on to everything and thinking that I can do it all on my own has caused my relationship with Christ to be put on hold. I was investing in Him and He in I, but I wasn’t letting anything go. I wasn’t giving Him any part of me..Until now.
This is what the Lord has been doing in my heart the past three months. He has been stripping me of my old self, helping me rid of my old ways and who I thought I was supposed to be. He is changing me from the inside out and I couldn’t be happier.
One of my favorite parts of my day is when I soak, this is basically just sitting by yourself or with others listening to worship music, just listening to the words and soaking in them. A couple days ago I was soaking and the worship song “Have it all” By Bethel came on. I’ve heard this song many times before but never actually listened to the lyrics
“You can have it all, Lord
Every part of my world
Take this life and breathe on
This heart that is now Yours
There is no greater call
Than giving You my all
I lay it all down”
Sitting out on my front porch in Rwanda it hit me, God you can have it all. Not just my broken pieces or the ugly parts of me Lord, everything. Every part of myself and every part of my world Lord it is yours. No more fighting, no more holding on, no more trying to do it all on my own.
You can have it all.
