I thought coming home would be a breeze. Obviously all it takes is 11 beautifully hard months to be a transformed person on the verge of changing the world… right?
I can hear God laughing as I type this because it is not true. Home is a safe space, but I wasn’t expecting the person I was before I left to begin knocking at my door.
In my weakness, I let her in.
Radical transition is hard. When you return to the familiar it is so easy to get wrapped back into the lies you used to believe. I was tired and worn out. I chose not to fight in the battle waging in my head, and I paid the price instead of turning to my Savior who had already done that for me.
Project Searchlight was set for about 7 weeks after the race. A time to come back to where it all began, to be reunited with family, and to soak up every bit of wisdom imparted.
Sure, I was excited. Mostly to see people, have awesome worship, and try to figure out my life. I didn’t expect much, I mean this was just a reunion, nothing compared to the journey I just returned from.
Boy was I wrong.
I am an open person. I like to be authentic. In my pride of believing I always let people see me, I was holding onto a paralyzing reality. Anxiety was ruling my life. I do not even remember when it began because I have denied it ever since it showed up. I refused to admit it because that would mean it was true. I was not willing to accept it.
On the race my anxiety took a backseat. I naively believed the work was finished and it was no longer a part of my life, especially since it was “never a problem in the first place”.
Day 3 at Project Searchlight hit me hard. Everything about it was refreshing, but I could not shake my anxious spirit. My thoughts were running rampant, and the battle I had pushed to the side was taking over.
At night we met with a small group in an intimate space to release, relate, and refresh. I mentioned how I had been super anxious that day, and our coach said after our questions we would dig deeper into it.
When that time came my spirit had calmed and I was prepared to, yet again, deny this struggle and push it to the side.
God had other plans.
Our coach began to share his own battle with anxiety. It hit me hard. I could relate on so many levels. His vulnerability allowed me to realize there was no room for shame. Basically the flood gates of heaven were pouring out of my eyeballs.
I realized how much I had oppressed my feelings and allowed anxiety to manifest in my life.
A group was gathered to fight for me and go to battle through prayer. The fight shook me to my core. I felt the presence of the Lord so strong. I was shaking as the mask I had worn for too long was slowly peeling off.
I began fighting for myself, bringing all that I had kept in the dark to the light. I declared truth over myself, but this time I believed it. I knew what God had been speaking over me was TRUTH.
My chains were breaking, and as the battle raged the Lord was setting me free.
I struggle to put this experience into words. It was the most powerful moment I have ever had with Jesus. It was a life-changing moment in all of its glory.
God is amazing. It doesn’t take 11 months, 11 countries, lack of comfort, adventure, or any of the radical ideas we so often try to find the solution in.
All it takes is TRUST.
Believing God IS who He says He is.
Being vulnerable.
Putting pride aside and fighting for the life Jesus died to give us.
I came to Project Searchlight, ironically not realizing the light I was so desperately seeking.
I will leave Project Searchlight forever changed.
Psalm 56:13
For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.
