“Its the bee’s knees.”
“That’s a knee slapper.”
“That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.” Philippians 2:10
“Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” Hebrews 12:12
We use our knees to walk, to run, to jump and dance. We use our knees to live every day life. We bow our knees to pray. We get on our knees to show humility. This month I was literally brought down to my knees. I sat on a bus, cramped tight for sixteen hours, feeling every single bump along the way. My knees started to ache after a while and I tried to reposition when I felt and heard a loud POP from my right knee. Instantly the tightness of swelling started and the pain slowly crept in. I knew this was not good, and became angry and frustrated. Why now? Why would I have to deal with this in a country I have only dreamed of going to? Why would this have to happen on a month when I actually need to use it? Why God Why?
I learned an amazing lesson this month, a lesson of humility and rest. God literally took me to a place where I needed to stop and just sit with him. It turned out that I pulled a muscle in my knee, so in essence I sprained it. For the first four days I just hobbled around, barely able to bend it, and sat keeping it elevated, watching all my teammates work, feeling frustrated that I couldn’t help. But then I decided to take a different tactic. After my many tears, my feelings of anger towards this unprecedented event, and my self-pity I turned to the one place I could find answers, and remembered the one reason I am here: GOD.
I opened up my Jesus Calling on February 4th and this is what it said:
“Bring me your weakness, and receive My peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to Me. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven.” -Sarah Young, Jesus Calling
Wow….. wow God way to slap me across the face. I read that and got chills up my arms and just bowed my head and prayed. I prayed that I would see God’s peace in my circumstance, and I just started reading the Bible. Verse and verse about taking joy in weakness and resting in the presence of God. Each day my Jesus Calling had something new to say about rest and reliance on Him. Each day was a gentle reminder that its okay to be injured and out of work. Its okay.
I learned a harsh lesson through my pain. I realized that I don’t receive love well. I’ve lived my life in service of others, and with the desire to please others. When I’m sick I will still work hard just because I think that if I stop I will be disappointing someone, or they will look down on my for quitting just because I’m sick. I assume the thoughts of others, because frankly these things have been done to me. It took my friend Taylor to pull me aside and ask me “why won’t you let others serve you?” to finally realize the root behind my stubbornness. I don’t want them to think less of me, and if I don’t give them a reason to they won’t. Its the same reason why its hard for me to cry in front of others, I don’t want to come off as weak.
When did I become this way? This year God has just been revealing to me over and over again what unconditional love looks like. I am very good at loving others. Its somewhat of a hobby for me. Its easy for me to serve. But when it comes to others serving and loving me I don’t know how to receive it. I have never seen unconditional love before, so how am I supposed to respond? When all my life its been about “I will love you but only if you do this first.” or “I will love you but only when I feel like it.” Now I’m not blaming anyone for this, its only human nature to treat others this way. God is the only one who truly can practice unconditional love, and God is the only one who can truly impart that wisdom to those who seek him. So there is no one to blame for the way I don’t receive love, no one but satan who whispered those lies to me my entire life.
So where does that leave me? Well lets skip forward a few days after this revelation. We have spent a week mixing cement and putting in a floor at the orphanage in Urlabari, a town in eastern Nepal near the borders of India and Bangladesh. Now we put our packs onto our backs, said goodbye to “civilization” and hiked up and down the sides of mountains. God put miraculous strength in my knee and I was able to blaze the trail with ease. We stopped to eat at this flat and overlooked the foothills of the Himalayas. The mountains rolled in every direction. The fog floated weightless around, hugging the valley below and the top of the hills above. The river flowed way down below us, looking peaceful and had a lazy gait. The trees dotted the landscape, adding even more character to the scene. I stared in wonder and thanked God for his beautiful creation. I thanked him for taking me from the valley to these heights. I thanked him for allowing me to trust in people, because if it showed me anything its shown me that God is truly the only one I can love and trust. I had to walk through the valleys of disappointment. This is what my life has been about. I have walked through valley after valley, wondering if God was ever going to bring me higher. I spent years wondering if love was true and real. I spent a lifetime looking down, when all I needed to do was look up.
God will never take you through a valley unless he intends to take you higher than you ever thought you could be.
“I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from?” Psalm 121:1
