For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11
Rest in that.
Let it soak into everything you are, and every lie you have ever believed.
Let it penetrate your heart and shine a bright light into even the darkest part of your life.
Let it speak into your pain.
Let it heal the hurt of something that happened to you recently that you don’t think is fair.
Let it encourage you as you meditate on the truth that our Father is not a God who is holding your deepest desire and laughing as you sit in your heartache. As you long for something that you don’t have remember that He is not called the “God who sees me” for no reason.
He sees your heart.
He knows your desires.
He knows what’s BEST for your life.
“NO good thing does He withold.”
I’ve had to learn this the hard way, and you can bet your bottom dollar it has taken me a good while to learn it.
I once heard a story that goes a little something like this:
Once upon a time there was a girl who found a quarter and bought herself a pearl necklace. Not just any pearl necklace… it was beautiful! And she bought it all by herself! All she had to do was put it in the quarter slot, twist the handle, and that beautiful necklace was hers. She wore it everyday! She wore it in the bath, she wore it to bed, and she wore it at the park. She enjoyed her pearl necklace and it brought her so much happiness. One night before her father put her to bed, he asked her if he could have her pearl necklace. She was astonished! How dare he! This was HER pearl necklace that she got all by herself! He couldn’t possibly want to take that away from her! She said “no, daddy! You can have anything you want but you CANNOT have my pearl necklace.” This went on for weeks. Her dad would ask her to give him the pearl necklace and time and time again she would tell him no. Finally, one night her father heard sobbing from the other room. He went in his daughter’s room to check on her, and as she opened up her hands to grab onto his… she dropped the pear necklace in his hands. It was broken and she felt a hurt that she had never experienced before. She felt lost. What was she supposed to do now that her favorite thing in the world was gone? Her father slowly pushed back her hair, whipped away her tears, and set her on his lap. “I wanted you to give me your fake pearl necklace so that I could give you this.” He opened up her hands and placed in them a real pearl necklace. It was even more beautiful than her first necklace, and was guaranteed not to break like her first one. It was the real deal, and it brought her more joy than her first necklace because it was from her daddy.
I’m sure we can all relate to this story. There has been something in our lives that we so desperately wanted to hold on to, or maybe we are still holding on to it. Something we want so badly, but when we open up our hands and allow Abba to work… trusting that He knows what is BEST for us… we experience the greatest of joys, and we can know that His plan never fails, fades, or breaks.
Yet time and time again I want to hold on to that fake pearl necklace… sometimes even after it’s broken. I want to fix the necklace as if I think it will never break again, or all shattered and glued together could possibly look prettier than the real thing.
If I were to be honest… I have a lot of deep desires in my heart.
I want to have a deeper more intimate relationship with Jesus.
I want the whole world to come to know the truth that is the Gospel.
I want to be married, have children of my own, and adopt children from all around the world.
The first two are my constant prayer, and desire number 3 is going to have to be put on hold.
For a while.
Maybe a long while.
While I was in ministry school I planned it all out. I met a guy who loved Jesus… I mean LOVED Jesus. I’m pretty sure I have yet to meet a man who loves Jesus as much as he does.
We started off as best friends (I actually liked one of his friends at the time.) He had never even crossed my mind as “my type” or someone I would be interested in. I slowly watched from a distance as he devoted his life to reaching others for Christ and TOOT TOOT AROOGA I was hooked. I’m sure every lady can agree with me… there is nothing more attractive than a man who loves Jesus and loves others.
Hook, line, and sinker.
Wam, bam, yes mam.
Long story short, we realized we liked each other, and agreed to separately seek the Lord on His plan for our lives.
It was the real deal, and for the first and last time (since writing this blog)…I fell in love.
Then it was over. I wanted so badly to hang on to that fake pearl necklace, but I’m thankful for a Father who wants to dream bigger dreams for me than I could ever imagine.
Keep this in mind before I go any further:
“Even the right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy.”
You see, it was all planned out in my head. I would be married by the age of 23 to a Youth Pastor. I would be the cutesy/crafty youth pastor’s wife who planned girls events, and had students over once a week. We would talk about starting a family and eventually we would adopt. I would be a stay at home mom, and I would be an encourager and partner for my husband and his ministry.
God had a bigger plan. A bigger dream. It’s bigger than me. A lot bigger.
This is not a diss on every young woman who got married young and is now living this beautiful life with her husband. This is me saying that God had a different plan for my life, and I am so thankful and grateful that what I thought was “as good as it gets” could actually get a HECK of a lot better for me personally.
I mean JUST LOOK at the adventure God is about to take me on. I wanted a Christian version of the American Dream and God I’m sure was like, “Hold up wait a minute sister, you have NO idea how I’m gonna rock your world and take you on the greatest most exciting adventure of your life.”
I’m sure Mary wanted a normal wedding and pregnancy and had it all planned out so beautifully in her mind, but nooooo homegirl got to carry GOD’S SON. Like what?
I’m sure Moses just wanted to stay kickin’ it as a prince, but look at him now! Homeboy led the Israelites out of slavery and got to meet with God one on one at the top of a mountain. LIKE WHAT.
God is in the business of using ordinary people, rescuing them from their ordinary dreams, taking them out of their ordinary lives, and using them to do extraordinary things.
He sees you. He knows the deep desires of your heart. He experiences the pain you feel when you long for what you don’t have. He knows what you need and what you want before it comes into your mind.
He is a good, good Father.
He is not up in heaven witholding it from you so that you suffer or long for it even more. He knows what’s best for you. He knows the timing that will make it even better, and we have to trust Him enough to open our hands with our fake necklace so that He can give us the real thing.
Let Him dream for you. Let Him take you farther and higher than you ever thought you would go, and He promises He will if we would just open up our hands.
Our plans will fade. Our fake necklaces will break. But He has promised to never leave us, nor forsake us, nor hold any good thing from us. And what He wants to give us is far more valuable and will never perish or fade.
So yes, I have mourned my little dream for my life. As I sat in a hot Belizean church holding a baby that was not mine, it was whispered into my heart that I am not called to live a life that looks normal to other people… even believers.
Do I still desire to be wife and a mother? Heck yes. Do I believe the Lord is going to give me that desire? I do with all my heart.
In His timing.
In His way.
I don’t want it to be a story like, “mommy added daddy on Facebook and asked him out for coffee.”
No.
I want it to be so beautiful, so God-breathed, so filled with the Holy Spirit that I look back on this moment and praise Him for being the God who sees me, desires to give me what my heart longs for, and dreams a dream more beautiful than I ever could.
He is faithful.
He is worthy to be trusted with my life, the life of my future family, my all.
My heart is receptive to what He is going to teach me in this next year of singleness.
My main focus is the Gospel.
My hands are open.
