I see it more than ever before. It’s a beautiful romance; an undoing of self into something greater. I see it in every life around me, including my own. It is so real I don’t know how I ever missed it. It seems basic and elementary, but I so easily become sidetracked. I am almost done out here and as I look back I am starting to see what the Lord was up to all along.
I see how the Lord has been pursuing the hearts of Gap C Squad. The people I have traveled alongside for the last 9 months. It our hearts He has been after at every step and every turn.
In His perfection He knows what is best for us. His love toward us is steadfast and unending. He is a jealous God and will stop at nothing to tear down the walls and idols of our hearts in order for us to be fully His. He tells us the greatest commandment is to love Him with everything we have and to trust Him enough to hand our hearts over to Him. He romances us with the wonder of the world He created. He works things out in order for us to see his power. He fights for us against the enemy and protects us from ourselves. He stops at nothing to get us to run back into His arms and give our hearts fully to Him over and over again.
He cares enough about our hearts to make us face the crap that gets in the way of us giving it all to Him. I see for each person here how He set things in motion in a unique way. He created space for us to seek Him and showed us our need for surrender. He sent us to the wilderness of the Kalahari Botswana in order for us to face ourselves and find Him when it seemed like there was little else to hold on to. He used the situations around us and our decisions to show us our pride, our shame, our addictions, our rebellion, and our self-centeredness. It hurt and it was hard, but it was worth it. I have felt my pride kicked in the face almost daily this year, but it was worth it. It’s worth it because I better understand His love the more I have gotten out of the way.
The last nine months of being a squad leader have been the ride of a lifetime. It has been so many things wrapped up into one: mentor, travel guide, mom, friend, African disease expert, teacher, and oh so much more. It’s been fun and it’s been hard. I have gotten to see strengths in myself and I have also experienced sides of myself I would rather not see again. In retrospect it’s the times I felt alone, confused, frustrated, and angry that I called out to Jesus the most. I see how He took all my comforts away in efforts to get me to run straight back into His arms. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. It’s when I stood at my weakest, crying and empty, I saw His strength.
This final stretch has me running to Him everyday. I need His patience, His love, His energy because everything I have ran out along time ago. Right now it’s hard to say, but I’m grateful for this place because I stand in a place of reliance on Him. I say this because I see how Jesus has used all things that have happened on this Race to draw us all to His heart. The times we felt like rock stars and the times we did not know if we were going to make it. He whispered for us to give it all to Him day after day.
Looking back I see how the Lord has been fighting for each and every heart; each individual in the way they needed. He has torn down religion and simply said, “Be mine”. He did not want a squad that looks clean cut and perfect. He wants a squad whose hearts are fully His. It is from this point He will use us to change the world. It is from the overflow of knowing we are loved by God that we serve, not the other way around. He cares less about what we are capable of doing and more about the state of our hearts. He uses us to set captives free when we live in the freedom of His love. So my favorite part of squad leading is getting to watch as the Lord valiantly fights to have the hearts of my people, Gap C Squad. I know He has been there for them all along and will continue to be. I am so blessed I got to watch Him work in this past season of their lives.
The best word to describe them? They are just a bunch of goobers and I love ’em. It’s time to head home, but I trust that the Lord has just started His good work in them.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind” C.S. Lewis
Nika
