An Open Letter to the Church on Singleness

The Problem Is That the Church Talks About Singleness Like It’s A Problem

I implore you to address an ongoing problem that has personally afflicted me as a family member of our church. Over the last year, I have noticed that pastors onstage talk about singleness in a manner that does not build up or edify singles, but rather runs the risk of wounding them and making them feel inferior as single people in our church.

Several pastors talk about singleness with an air of playful pity and they continually cast it as a waiting period for a relationship. Singles are often only acknowledged as people who want a relationship but don’t currently have one. “Your time will come” is a phrase I often hear, which wrongly assumes that singles even have a “time,” or a season, for a relationship (because earthly marriage is not a biblical promise.)

It grieves me when I witness your assumption that all singles desire a relationship, because it casts them as people lacking a relationship. This assumption not only reinforces wordly discourses about single discontentment, but it also disqualifies the richness of singleness as it relates to revealing Christ’s love. I long for pastors to publicly proclaim that singles are also recipients of Christ’s sufficiency, whether or not they ever get married. (John 6:35–40) I invite you to envision with me a unity of public agreement that singles share in the promise of lacking nothing as God’s children. (Psalm 23:1) I believe that you don’t poorly regard singles with malice in your hearts, because I don’t know whether you’re already discussing this issue internally. Again, I write to you as a non-married member of the Church who is disconnected from the upper leadership, and I ask for your grace for my presumptions based on my observations of your onstage practices.

Singleness as Lacking Something

As stated earlier, the view of singleness that pastors have often propagated within the Church neglects its richness and unfortunately degrades it to an undesirable state that we need to actively avoid by seeking out a relationship. For example, I’ve witnessed pastors specifically inviting singles to church functions because of the possibility of meeting a romantic partner. These invitations cast our brothers and sisters as potential partners, which neglects their first and foremost relationship to us as brothers and sisters in Christ. By encouraging singles to seek out relationships within your church, you effectively paint the Church as a dating pool. I’ve rarely witnessed an onstage exhortation for singles that doesn’t have to do with their (assumed) search for a relationship. What would it look like to acknowledge, affirm, and encourage singles in a manner that doesn’t imply a need for a relationship? I would love for you to imagine the positive impact of advancing a reconfigured public understanding of singleness through onstage encouragements.

I must note that dating and marriage are not inherently bad things; they are beautiful, powerful, and vivid ways to reveal the depth of God’s love for humanity. Thank you for the ways you’ve advocated for healthy marriages and dating relationships within the Church. You have offered countless resources for members to pursue healthy practices that glorify God, many of which have greatly benefited me in my walk with Christ. I’m only requesting that you dedicate that same level of attention and curation for our single members, so they may maximize their unique bandwidth as servants and builders of God’s House.

Currently, the Church discourse on singleness, dating, and marriage feels skewed toward dating and marriage, with little regard for the glory of healthy singleness. The consequence of this imbalanced discourse is an implicit assumption that the main narrative of a Christian’s relational life is their arrival at the destination of marriage. The lack of single church leaders and the vast majority of married senior pastors could exacerbate this larger discourse of marriage-as-destination because singles don’t have the public representation that affirms the alternative discourse of singleness-as-a-gift. To be clear, I’m not challenging the doctrine of 1 Timothy 3 which requires overseers and deacons to be married; rather, I’m advocating for alternative forms of single representation in the Church (i.e. teach-ins, small group leaders, volunteer team leaders.) What if the Church prioritized responsible relational representation for church staff? How encouraging would it be for single members to readily identify with a single church leader who can serve as a model for a thriving, healthy, Christ-centered singleness? It’s worth recognizing that it may be difficult for singles to take ownership of their singleness as a calling when it appears that no one around them is called to singleness. I encourage you to consider the positive impact that this will have on our single brothers and sisters who have silently endured a lack of representation for so many years.

The world already tells singles that they are in need of companionship through sitcoms, novels, movies, advertising, and dating apps. Singles’ relational state is viewed as an unfortunate period that can only be satisfied by a relationship or a hook-up. The Church should be the one place in this world that uplifts and empowers single people as content children of God. Singles have the satisfaction of knowing Christ just as much as those who are dating and married, though the Church has been prone to addressing them in a similar manner that they are addressed in the world: as people lacking something.

The Pain of Singleness

If the Church addresses singleness as a discontent relational state, then it risks advancing yet another iteration of what singles hear in the world. What would it look like to exhaustively apply our sanctification in Christ to the single life so as to protect against an incomplete understanding of singleness? Singleness could be one of the most countercultural and powerful ways to make the sufficiency of Christ known to unbelievers and believers alike.

Singleness is a gift from God, not a punishment or a waiting period; marriage is not a reward for singleness, because singleness is a gift in and of itself. I believe that certain brothers and sisters have been called to singleness for an indefinite period of time. They must endure the excruciating self-denial of their desire for romantic intimacy for the sake of the Kingdom — but I know that God is faithful and that He has assured their inheritance in Heaven. Singles often experience a tension of wanting to be in a relationship, but knowing that it’s not their season to romantically pursue someone. Consequently, they have to submit to the sufficiency of Christ. Singles’ practice of submitting to Christ when they are tempted to think that a relationship will satisfy their longing for intimacy is rarely intuitive, because their surroundings tell them otherwise. Singles are already living in the tension of experiencing loneliness while knowing Christ is with them, and that tension can be exacerbated by the very church we hope would help relieve it through encouragement.

The Beauty of Singleness

Singles bear witness to the breadth of Christ’s love because they are not vowed to one person, and thus have more freedom and time to express the love of Christ to a wide range of people. Singles are a sign and wonder that point to Christ just as much as marrieds (who point to the depth of Christ’s love through their vows to one person.) Singles are a testament to the sufficiency of Christ through their dedicated celibacy because their whole person belongs to Him. Singles’ commitment to Christ alone showcases the reality that He isthe bread that satisfies, even during the most difficult moments of being single. Singleness is a countercultural and prophetic sign of the Kingdom to both the Church and the world at large.

“Christian singles are thus radical witnesses to the resurrection. They forfeit heirs?—?the only other possibility of their survival beyond the grave?—?in the hope that one day all creation will be renewed. The Christian single makes no sense if the God of Jesus Christ is not living and true.”?—?Rodney Clapp

Singleness is a powerful sign of the risen Christ and His residence in our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Make this Gospel message loud for everyone in the Church to hear! I exhort you to celebrate singleness and exalt it as much as you do for marriage. Singles have a rich life that is marked by an undistracted devotion to the Lord. As it is written, “an unmarried [person] is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord…. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Cor 7:32, 35) Envision with me a Church that teaches a Christ-centered discipleship that includes how anyone can pursue a healthy singleness. The parts of the body of Christ that seem weaker (singles) are indispensable and should be treated with special honor (1 Cor 12:21–23). I encourage you to consider these beautiful truths about singleness and how you may be able to celebrate and advance them in your congregations, if you aren’t doing so already.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor… (1 Corinthians 12:21–23)

I invite you to consider three practical steps to communicate this beautiful vision for Christian singleness in the Church. My hope is that you expand upon these steps by using the spiritual gifts and wisdom God has endowed you with for your ministry:

1. Vis-a-vis onstage pastors, create a discursive space within which singles can consider the ways God can use singleness to be a sign and wonder that point others to Christ.
2. Invite singles on your staff and volunteer teams to advise on the development of a reconfigured church discourse about singleness.
3. Please publicly acknowledge how you previously regarded singles onstage and explicitly communicate your intentions for reconciliation by teaching the church about a Christ-centered understanding of singleness.

Again, I am not a full-time minister with your wisdom and understanding; I’m a brother who noticed a problem in our family that needs to be addressed by our overseers. I wrote this letter in response to the personal pain that I experienced as a single member of our Church, and I hope that you’ll consider its contents as they relate to your congregation. To my single brothers and sisters, I genuinely hope that this letter was an encouragement to you. You are seen, you are loved, and you matter.

With The Father’s Love,

Sebastian Muriel
sebastianmuriel.wordpress.com
Instagram @sebastian_muriel