I am a control freak. This fact is not news to anyone. From a fairly young age, I ‘ve done what I can to manipulate every
situation to suit my wants and perceived needs. I want what I want when I want it, and I get agitated when I am not in
control.
So why on earth would I do something like the World Race,
knowing that I have to give up control over many many things? Ask God. He made me do it.
I am learning that my need to control things stems from my
lack of trust in just about everyone around me. I don’t trust people to look out for me, so I take control of the
situation. There are many ways in which
I don’t trust people. I don’t trust
people to buy food that I will eat. Or
to buy enough water for everyone to drink. I don’t trust other people to guard my laptop and Kindle, so most of the
time, those two items are strapped to my back. I am very reluctant to be separated from those items. Because no one else is as tied to them as I
am. So they don’t care.
My lack of trust here is not so much
because they are irreplaceable items (which they are not), but because if
something happens to them, if they are in my possession, no one else can be
blamed for that. What it really comes
down to in the end, is that I don’t trust other people to care enough about
me. I can’t really even come up with a
reason for this. My parents always
provided for my sister and I. We never
wanted for anything. And I’ve never had
anything major stolen from me. I’ve
never gone a day without the things I need to survive, and yet, I still think
that I don’t matter enough to people for them to care about me.
So I am
back to the same issue. Learning that I
have a need to Control because of my lack of trust. At training camp, I surrendered Control. But at the time, I didn’t realize that would
mean I would have to learn to trust. Welcome to my life, and my learning.
