Can I ask you a question?
Have you ever wanted to freeze time and speed it up all at once?
This week as I worked, I watched the water of the Indian River reflect the tangerine and reds of sunset then slowly fade to the most beautiful shade of blue. Electric blue, I like to think of it, because those moments between sunset and nightfall always leave the water looking lit up from the inside. Jazz music drifted sweetly through the air and dozens of candles flickered like fireflies around me. As I took it all in, a familiar ache thudded in my heart and I thought,
I will miss this.
Have you ever wanted to freeze time and speed it up all at once?
I have.
I do.
Tonight at church as the band played and I drowned myself in worship, God dealt so gently with my heart and I realized something I haven’t admitted before (not even to myself). He asked me, in that kind, loving way that only God asks, “Angelique, how do you feel?” My heart instantly welled up (for how could my heart not respond to the voice of my Savior?) And, right away, I knew.
I feel scared, God.
Oh, I hate to admit it.I feel this pressure to be brave. Isn’t that what missionaries are? Brave? And if I tell people that I feel scared, will they think I am not trusting God? Or that my faith isn’t strong? Will they tell me the World Race must not be God’s direction for my life?
Please understand: I am thrilled at the thought of the World Race. I am ecstatic at the adventure God has placed in my path. I have complete and total confidence that this is what God is asking of me. And for many reasons I would very much like to speed up time and be on that plane to India right now.
But then I rewind a few steps and think what it will be like to step off the curb at the airport, hug my family one final time and walk away without looking back, knowing I won’t see them again for a full year.
I think about that and I feel scared.
I read blogs of World Racers who don’t just talk about the fun exciting aspects of the trip but the difficult, heart-breaking, painful things that they see and experience.
I think about those and I feel scared.
I am not just scared of the unknown but I am scared for what has already been set into place. I am scared for the things I have had to give up and leave behind already. I am scared to give up Tony. I am scared to give up Nollie. I am scared to give up my independence and my job and my income and my car and my family and birthday cake pops from Starbucks. I’m scared I might never get some of those things back (birthday cake pops aside).
Make no mistake: selling everything I own has paled in comparison to some of the other sacrifices this trip has already required of me. Maybe it’s the girl in me, but I am crying as I write this. It really is all so hard to admit to you.
And as the youth band began a new song and I’m on my knees, telling God all of this, He answers me through the very lyrics I am singing. Reminding me to trust Him with my fears.
You can have all my fears, God.
You can have all my sins.
You can have all my weakness.
I know you’re with me to the very end.
Yes, I admit it. I am scared. Because the World Race wasn’t my idea. It was God’s. But can I tell you something? Following God requires sacrifice. Following God will cost you. But your obedience makes all the difference in the world. When He asks you to give something up, it is only because He has something so epically better in store for you. Something you couldn’t even dream up if you tried. And I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty vivid imagination.
Don’t let your fears hold you back. Take a risk. Obey. It will be so unbelievably worth it.
God can do anything, you know, far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
(Ephesians 3:20)
Love,
Angelique
PS.It seems I have already had to confess to you so many areas that I fall short in. Every time I write I am so humbled by what God asks me to share. Thank you for listening. Please believe me when I say He has been doing a work in me through these blogs to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of that.
