Today I want to share the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Wait, what? Are you serious? Maybe as a blogger it is bad to throw that out there – but I don’t really care about the world’s way of blogging – all I know is that I can honor God and give him glory only by being truthful.
Today – 10 long, yet shockingly short years ago, Jesus picked me up. I was one of those seekers, a really hungry, empty, frightened and angry; Oh how angry I was all the time!; child. A sheep, following goats and driven by a desire which I could not put into words. A deep churning, burning need to be satisfied and loved and accepted. Yet all those things, the peace and feeling of “home” that I always thirsted for, was ever as elusive as always. If anything, I felt that I was getting farther and farther away from it, and doing more extreme things by and by trying to still the nagging, sickening feeling on the inside. Trying my best to keep the sharp accusing voice in my head quiet, which would egg me on to do things, but in the dark of night stood there condemning me.
We all have a past and sometimes it is a hard and dark road that we came from, sometimes maybe we have a testimony of loving, christian family and friends surrounding us – yet we all were once in darkness, before we found the light. The person of Jesus, God’s visible image, who embodies the Truth and who is Love and Grace and Hope and Power and Freedom. In him alone do we find true life. In him alone are all our needs quenched and satisfied.
To be born again – “How can a man be born again? How can he go back into his mother and be born again?”, asked a truth seeking Nicodemus as he visited Jesus in the night. Afraid of the things the people of his Jewish sect would say, if they knew that he was drawn by this Teacher. Nobody had seen anyone like him! Who was he? A prophet? Elijah returned? I laugh at this notion – the way Nicodemus was trying to wrap his head around being born again. Naturally, that is so silly – but was it? If we had never heard of it – how would we picture this command? To be born again? Jesus of course goes on to explain that to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, we had to be born of Spirit and Water. Sealed by the Holy Spirit and baptized as we learn over the following chapters.
And how is it even possible? And in the same chapter we learn that because of God’s great love for the world (and each individual upon the world), he sent his only begotten Son, that whosoever would place their trust/belief in him (the sacrifice he would make for us), would not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
Because Jesus made a way for our sins to be acquitted and to wash us white as snow, we can place our trust fully upon his finished work. We can lean on him and know where we go. Not “maybe” or “perhaps” – but assuredly! “I go to prepare a place for you, and if it weren’t so – I would not have told you…” said he to his disciples, his followers and closest friends. God is not a man, that he should lie and he is the very firm Rock, the unmovable, unchanging God upon whom we can always rely.
10 years ago today, it was a Sunday. And the night before I was plagued by so many questions. Somehow my seeking and wandering had brought me to that exact spot. I was laying in bed, incapable of sleep and so I made up my mind. I would ask the questions I so wanted the answers to. After months of planting seeds and years and years of faithfully praying for my salvation, God’s loving and active Spirit drew me. He made room for humility in a sea of pridefulness, so I could lower myself to ask for help. I would not have done it on my own.
For a few hours, my aunt very patiently answered questions after questions. “Out of that book, the bible”, I had said, for I already knew as much: Christians are supposed to believe that stuff. And live that way. And my aunt did not disappoint. She also wanted to show me something in return, once I felt all my questions were sufficiently answered.
I expected a few hours of lectures. Boy was I surprised and disappointed and confused! She made me look up four tiny scriptures and read them out loud – and then she said a quick little prayer for me. And boom. That was her spiel. “Um…. Dat’s it?” I asked in my heavy Swiss accent. “Yes. If you don’t get that, none of that other stuff we talked about even matters.”
Here is what she shared with me:
Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 10:9 “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Very simple, but the clear truth and the only thing one needs to know to be saved (as long as we understand what sin is and the commandments of the Lord).
I went to bed, still very confused and prayed a bold prayer- I believe God likes bold faith and prayers which only he can answer. Why ask for something you can do yourself? I said clearly “OK Jesus, if you are real, you got one more time to prove it. I will go to church today for the last time, if you don’t show yourself. I can go right back to witchcraft if you aren’t real, because if you aren’t real, then it really doesn’t matter anyways….. In Jesus name, Amen” because that is how all the folks around me prayed.
And in the next 8 hours Jesus really did answer that prayer for me in such a mighty and personal way… If this post weren’t already so long – I would love to go into details… I did write a poem about it a few years ago and I would be delighted in sharing it with you all tonight.
Home again
Out of darkness you called my name,
before I even knew I needed you;
You already loved me.
When I was trying my hardest to run from you,
You were standing there,
Always waiting with open arms,
Ready to catch me, whenever I would decide to let go.
Let me explain this darkness to you…
My life long I was a prisoner,
Captive of what I believed was freedom.
The freedom to believe whatever I chose,
To love how and whom I chose,
To think and speak without concern or care,
And dressing to provoke, dring you to say something –
Anything.
A prisoner in a world that screamed,
“Go on. I don’t care.”
And so I gave my thoughts and soul to wickedness,
Willingly letting witchcraft swallow me whole,
Letting it direct me in whichever way it chose,
Thinking it was my tool, when in truth, I was it’s.
To make me feel “better” it fed me with pride which turned to hate,
I needed both like air, yet I was ever gasping for breath.
It let me always believe what I wanted,
That this whole time, I was in control.
And in the middle of all that darkness,
Your angels still surrounded me.
And when I mocked you and your Son,
Both of you kept on pursuing me with your love.
Even though I had no clew at all,
You knew everything.
All the hurt, disappointment inside of me,
You were ready to wash me clean.
And when I finally let go of all the lies,
Faithfully believing in your loving sacrifice,
It felt like leaving over a cliff,
Expecting an endless fall.
But before I knew it, your arm caught me up,
And what should have been strange and new to me –
Felt oddly right.
I was finally, finally home again.
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I don’t think it is my best poem ever – but I believe it really captured that I really did not understand what was happening, even as I was being born again. But the change was so instant and real – a true, 180 degree turn around, that nobody who knew me could deny the reality.
If you would like to hear my testimony in more detail – I’d love to meet for coffee or we could talk on the phone or email! I would also love to hear yours!
As always I am so appreciative of your continued support and generosity, both in prayer, encouragement and financial giving.
Love, Angelika
