Have you ever been in a season of life that feels so good, and so right, and so beautiful that you actually feel like it may not be real? That whatever ‘all this’ is, surely must be a dream? And not that things are just simply peachy and perfect. No way fam. Things are messy and challenging and hard; sometimes they feel harder than ever. But somehow in the midst of the really hard things, the most beautiful, fruitful outcomes are resulting from pressing in, praying powerful prayers, and pushing through. That’s been my life of late, and I’m pinching myself daily, reminding myself that this is real. This is happening. I am alive. And this is the surreal story God is writing over my life.
Today marks being three months sober for me, and I have truly never felt better about stepping into this act of obedience for the Lord. That is what sobriety is for me: an act of love and obedience and step towards holiness forGod. A lot of people have been asking me about why I’m not drinking, or why is now the time, and I want to share that with ya’ll today.
I don’t identify as an addict or alcoholic. I do several months of “re-sets” during the year where I don’t drink or party at all. Smoking and drinking have never taken over my life nor do I feel like I can’t live without them. But they had surely become coping mechanisms and highlight reels of much of my story and testimony. Since re-dedicating my life to Christ back in October of 2017, I have battled this back and fourth question of, “Should I be drinking at all? Is it okay to smoke and get high every once in a while still? Can I do these things and still be a good Christian that loves Jesus and wants to serve the Kingdom of God?” Here’s what I will say about the answers I’ve discovered from all this:
Everyone’s lives and stories are different. Everyone feels different convictions for things in life, especially convictions from the Lord in relation to faith. For me, everytime I drank, even if it was just one or two, I would self-shame myself until I couldn’t think straight. I felt guilty, and bad, and disappointed in myself; I felt like God was disappointed in me. I felt like I was not stewarding my calling and where God is leading my life to the best of my ability.
Now I may not know every word in the Bible, but I do know that my God, and your God, is not a God of shame and guilt and making you feel bad about yourself. When He created us at the beginning of time, the Word says “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2: 25) We were never even designed to feel shame in our souls!
But I have found that feeling shame, and feeling conviction from the Lord, are two very different things. One is a personal mental place that we work ourselves into. The other is a loving push of grace and discipline from our Holy Father to draw us closer to Him; closer to Jesus. I realized that the self-shame was just that; shame coming from myself. But that this feeling of a gradual pull away from drinking or partying, even occasionally, was a call to deeper obedience from God. They were two different things, but simultaneously coincided in the most beautiful way for me to take the step into a lifestyle of sobriety until I return from The World Race.
One of my favorite worship songs is one called Fade Away by Passion. We sing it at church constantly, and it’s on playlists that I listen to at home in my own time as well. The lyrics are as follows:
“Speak to me. You’re the only voice I want to hear.
Walk with me. Show me who you are as I draw near.
If you’re not in it, then I don’t want it.
Let all else fade away.
Take the whole world, but give me Jesus.
Let all else fade away.
Your name is the only name that matters!
Your heart is all that I desire!
Not my will, but Yours alone, forever!
Here’s my life; have your way.”
These lyrics began to stir in my soul as I kept singing those words: What does it really mean to let ALL ELSE fade away in my life except Jesus? What’s distracting me from Him? What does it mean to only hear the voice of the Lord in my mind and not the voice of my fears, shames, guilts, or regrets from my past that I so often obsess over? What does it mean to literally offer my whole life to Jesus, and tell Him He can have His way with it?
Again, I sing this song all the time. I sing many worship songs at church and at home all the time. But am I really living out the lyrics I am singing? These aren’t just words I’m saying. They’re words that make up powerful songs; literal praises and prayers to our Holy King that are sung out of worship for Him! But does my life match up with them?
Not only did songs begin to come to life in a convicting (yet heavily loving) way, but scripture did too. I began reading passages left and right, that I wasn’t searching out, but that God was showing to me; making it evident what steps I needed to take to get closer to Him. Scriptures regarding sobriety were singing off the pages of my Bible and being deposited right into my heart.
“Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’” (1 Peter 1:13-16)
“As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing, and detestable idolatry…. Live according to God in regard to the spirit.” (1 Peter 4:2-6)
“The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.” (1 Peter 4: 7)
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh.” (Galatians 5:13)
“Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6: 8)
“Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit.” (Ephesians 5: 17-18)
“Commit to the Lord, whatever you do, and he will establish your plans” (Proverbs 16: 3)
“Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.” (Proverbs 20:1)
“Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights, and your mind will imagine confusing things… When will I wake up so I can find another drink?” (Proverbs 23: 31-35)
Ya’ll these are words straight up from the Bible! I was mind blown that scripture after scripture I was digging into began giving me the same answer to the question of how often is this whole partying thing okay or not okay: “Angelica, let ALL else fade away. I just want you. Sober, beautiful, non-distracted-from-me, you.” So that’s what I’ve decided to give God: all of me. Sober and unashamed, until He shows me I can live otherwise.
Right now, this is the season of obedience God has called me into. I plan to have a lovely craft cocktail again in my future for sure! But for now, this is where He’s called me to press into, and I’m going all in. Sobriety isn’t going to be everyone’s season with the Lord. Maybe yours is letting go of anger or resentments. Maybe its forgiving someone that you’ve felt like you couldn’t. Maybe it’s giving up social media to get more quiet time in your Bible. Maybe it’s less of drowning out the voice of God with whatever void filler is specific to you, and more time of praying and instead seeking His voice. I encourage you to seek out where God wants you to go deeper with Him. What needs to quite literally “fade away” so that you can see and hear Him clearer? Bring this question to Him. Talk to Him. Give Him the opportunity to answer you. He loves you, and wants to know you, and for you to know Him more.
And for some of you, maybe your call to obedience is just the same as mine, and the Lord wants you to step into a lifestyle of sobriety; permanently or indefinitely. If that’s you, please reach out to me and let’s share in this growth process together. Drinking and partying are just part of our culture these days, and stepping away from something that seems so normal, in obedience to God, is incredibly hard. I’m speaking from experience from the last three months. It’s hard to have a really rough week at work and want to just take the edge off with a glass (or bottle) of wine or a joint. It’s hard to go out with your girlfriends for a night out and say no to the glass of celebration champagne. It’s hard to go out for the birthday party and say no to the rounds of shots. But I’ll tell you this: the break through, growth, strength, purpose, and beauty that comes from being left alone to face your feelings and your life with no void fillers or distractions other than Jesus is absolutely stunning. He will honor your obedience. He will draw you closer to Him. And you will learn more about yourself, and your Father, than you ever dreamed imaginable.
Seek Him. Find out what it is that the Lord wants to fade away in your life to allow you to know Him more. He is faithful. He will show you.
“But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect.” (1 Corinthians 15:10) His grace to me will not go without effect on my life and the way I live to glorify the name of Jesus. I’m theee months in, and I’m so ready for any and everything that is yet to come.
