For the first time in forever in writing a blog post, I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know where to end, and I don’t know how to say what I want to say.
I have always been the kind of person that can articulate everything I wanted to articulate—I am a born communicator and lover of words to the most extreme extent. Yet sitting on a plane in the air, looking out of a tiny window at the big, beautiful world below me, I am at a loss for words at the ways God has been specifically, intimately, and tangibly moving in my life lately. It has me in a sacred state of awe that I can’t even find the words to describe what all is happening really. But I love it.
I am the kind of person that talks about everything; shares everything—too much sometimes. Yet I find myself, more so lately, creating posts on Instagram, and then just not publishing them. I’ve found myself starting to write a blog post, and just exiting out of the doc page. I’ve found myself wanting to film Facebook Live’s, and just closing the app on my phone.
But I think I’m learning that this is what intimacy with the Lord is supposed to feel like. It’s like I’m in this place of SO much happening all at once that it’s too much to write about, too real to expose to everyone, too sacred to share—it’s intimately between just me and Him, and intimacy in the ways He’s using me in others lives. I’ve never experienced this kind of a season; a season this vibrant and real that I can feel everything, yet almost have no words to speak out those feelings. And that feels so, so very special to me.
I do want to make on thing clear from all this uncertainty of what or how to share what I’m sharing—God is real. He is so real, ya’ll. He is tangible, and physical, and spiritual, and he is love. He is the BIGGEST form of love I’ve ever understood; the biggest form of love I still can’t comprehend. Looking back over my life, and more specifically the last few years, I can see it all so clearly now, that He was literally chasing after my heart. And if you didn’t know it, He’s chasing after yours.
On those nights you feel so broken, on nights you feel like things couldn’t get worse, on those nights you feel like you’ve hit your rock bottom breaking point, on those nights you feel angry at God for the circumstances or experiences you’re walking through; He’s there in the shadows and darkness, right beside you, just wanting to hold and comfort you. He doesn’t need you to need Him when you’re perfect and blameless; He needs you to need Him in your desperate time of need. Look to Him. Let Him loveyou. Let Him heal you. Put the pen of your story writing down and give it to Him. He writes better and more beautifully than you ever dreamed of doing.
I remember so specifically when I was in the thick of these kinds of broken nights more often than I care to admit. I knew there was a void I kept trying to fill that I couldn’t fill with anything other than Jesus. I knew that in my soul. Yet I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe I was in full control of my life and could handle anything with flying colors. I wanted to believe that those friends, those cocktails, that high, that job, that to-do list, that routine, that relationship—that those things could heal me. But the truth is they couldn’t, and they didn’t. And until I literally surrendered, until I turned over my life to Jesus, until I realized I was created for something bigger than “feelinmyself” in my achievements and lifestyle, I was going to keep feeling the same way I always had. I was going to keep tumbling through the same cycle I had always been in.Now, I am less dependent on my own strength than ever before in my life, and yet I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt—because my hope is in Christ.
In years to come, I feel in my soul there is going to be a time when I look back and say “remember that post you wrote where you felt like something big was shifting within you, and it was going to change the trajectory of everything you thought life was supposed to look like?” That is this post. Big things are stirring in my soul and God is preparing me for the unthinkable. If I’m being honest, I think this journey on the World Race is just the tip of the iceberg for what God has in store for me. And He has the same in store for you.
“Jesus take the wheel” is a real thing. He took mine, but I had to let Him. And this less driving + more living, cruising-along-for-the-ride, view from the passengers window is one of the best I’ve ever seen. I’m realizing it’s less about the scenery outside the window, but rather the One who spoke it into existence. It’s less about the circumstances or the storms you’ll go through, but more about the Savior that’s driving the car that gets you through them. It’s less about who’s in the car with you, and more about who you’re called to stop and help along the road.
Let go. Let Him drive. I promise you: it’ll be worth it.
So this is where I am today! Just reveling in the state of disbelief that Jesus is who He says He is, and He is doing what He said He would do, and He is going to continue revealing kept promises in the unfolding of upcoming months and days and journey into the World Race. I’m so excited for this ride, ya’ll! This is only the beginning.
